


A Different Type Of High

by sleepingintheshadows



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: 2009, Angst, Drug Addiction, F/M, Spencer Reid - Freeform, criminal minds - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-27
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:01:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 28,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28352103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepingintheshadows/pseuds/sleepingintheshadows
Summary: Reader has a drug addiction that they can’t kick. So, she attends Narcotics Anonymous to help that situation. After going to several meetings, she meets quiet, shy Spencer Reid. The unlikely pair become infatuated with one another, but can’t date due to their individual addictions.***Authors Note: this takes place in late-ish season two early-season three when spencer is going to the NA meetings. spencer was 26 around this time, reader is about 22 :) it is written for a female reader, bc a part later in the series will contain smut. however, its so vague that it might as well be gender-neutral.  thank you all for the support!*********This series will contain drug/substance abuse, talks about death, withdrawal, overdose, and other trigging topics. Please read with caution and watch out for the content warnings!
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Female Reader, Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





	1. Part One

**Author's Note:**

> each part has different content warnings. i'll add them to the top of each part before the actually part. i also don't really know how to use ao3, so please bear with me on this o.o  
> content warnings: swearing, talks about drugs and the usage of drugs, drug use (oxycodone), drug abuse (oxycodone and dilaudid), attending narcotics anonymous, smoking (cigarettes), drug withdrawal, mentions of death, talks about dead parents, mentions of overdose, kidnapping, relapse mentions

I kept my eyes down, looking at the ground, as I walked up to the doors of the community center. The community center which held the Narcotics Anonymous meetings that I’ve been attending for the last year. Have they helped? Not really, no. So, why do I keep attending? That is the question.

I tugged my sweater tighter around my body as I nervously looked around at all the other attendees. A few people, who haven’t been addicted to drugs for months, if not a year or two, were standing by the snack table, drinking coffee and talking to each other. The few people whole were going through withdrawal were sitting in their chairs in the circle, shifty like they were hiding drugs. And then there were the people who were still on drugs, doing whatever they could do to get their next fix. 

I would be joining the people in the chairs. Granted, I wasn’t actually going through withdrawal as bad as these people were. It was still happening to me.

I looked at the people around me, taking in the junkies. There was actually a new person here. That was a rarity. A new person to the drug addicts club. 

He was tall and lanky, but so was half the men here. He looked tired, but so did most of the people here. His hair was long and scraggly and looked like it needed to be washed. And an oversized cardigan was covering his arms and torso, just like mine. He looked like he belonged, but at the same time he looked fine, like his job is just running him thin. 

I only realized I was staring when his eyes caught mine. I silently cursed as he dropped his gaze and made way towards me. My heart started beating in my stomach and the nerves started to make me shake. It was either from the drugs or from the mysterious guy heading towards me.

"Hi," I glanced at him as he sat down beside me. I bit my tongue hard enough to taste blood, but it didn't bother me. There were other things that bothered me. The taste of my own blood was the  _ least  _ of my worries.

The guy waved shyly as he sat down. I glanced at him, watching as he tugged on the ends of his sweater. The way he stayed silent made me mildly nervous. So, I spoke up first, saying the one thing I know I shouldn’t have said.

“You don’t look like someone who does drugs,” I looked at the person who was sitting beside me. I had begun fidgeting with the sleeves of my sweater and moved my eyes away from him. “You just look someone who overworks themselves,” I shrugged and looked back down at the linoleum tile.

“It’s both the drugs and the overworking,” he muttered. I raised an eyebrow and looked back at him. “Office jobs can do that to you,” he laughed lightly. I furrowed my eyebrows and nodded. 

“Alright, everyone! C’mon, lets get started!” Jacob, the man who started this whole NA thing, shouted as he tried to get everyone’s attention. I looked back at the guy next to me and shrugged.

“This your first time here?” I looked at the new guy. He looked at Jacob and nodded. I slowly nodded and turned my attention back to Jacob. I slouched back in my chair and crossed my arms over my chest.

“Welcome, and thank you all for coming tonight. I see some new faces, and some old faces, and faces I haven’t seen in a while. It’s nice to see everyone,” Jacob spoke as everyone congregated to the circle of metal folding chairs. I rolled my eyes and shook my head. “For those of you who don’t know me, I’m Jacob Haperstien, I’ve been doing this-”

“He’s still an addict,” the man leaned close to me and whispered. I looked over at him and raised an eyebrow. Jacob continued to drone on about his history in Narcotic Anonymous. 

“How do you know?” I asked, my voice a soft whisper. The man looked at me with a smile.

“He’s very fidgety,” he nodded towards Jacob. I raised an eyebrow and looked back towards the man speaking. “And, I saw him do a line in the bathroom,”

“You’re joking,” I sat up more. The man smiled at me and nodded. I looked back at Jacob with wide eyes. 

“So, who wants to start?” He clapped his hands together and looked around the group. I kept my eyes on him, feeling the shock course through my body. I don’t even know what Jacob wanted everyone to talk about. I was just in shock about him still doing drugs.

“What is it you wanted us to do?” The man beside me spoke up. I blinked and shook my head, looking over at him. 

“Share a little bit about yourself, and you know…” Jacob nodded with a smile. That you know is “Tell everyone what drug you use and if you’re currently an addict.”

“Thank you, I just got a little distracted. And so did my friend here,” he smiled as he rested a hand on my shoulder. I jumped before looking down at my lap.

“Do you want to go first,” Jacob looked right at me. I stared at him with wide eyes. I could feel all the blood rush from my face. Why me? Oh god… Why not the new guy...

“I… I, uh,” I swallowed roughly as I slowly stood up. Everyone’s eyes were on me, and I tried to ignore it. That feeling though drove me nuts, like everyone could see into my soul and know all my secrets. 

I started talking, my voice a low mumble and I kept my eyes on the ground in front of me. I could feel my words get lower and quieter as I went on.

“I’m addicted to oxy,” I whispered, feeling wetness roll down my cheeks. I roughly wiped them with the sleeves of my sweater. “And have been for a while. I’m trying to get clean… For my… My mom… I promised her I would… Before… Before she died,” I whispered and wrinkled my nose. I stayed silent for a minute before looking over at Jacob. He smiled and nodded. “I’m 24 hours clean, right now and… Yeah, yeah, I’m sure you know the rest,” I sighed deeply before sitting back down. Only 24 hours. It’s a victory… A small one, but a victory nonetheless. I never really got past a week though… But this time is different, I swear. I promise.

“You want to go next, Spencer?” Jacob asked, looking at the man sitting beside me. I glanced at him and raised an eyebrow slightly. Ah, so his name is Spencer. 

Spencer let out a breath of air before pushing himself out of his chair to stand. He looked around the room as he shoved his hands into his pockets. “Hi, I’m Spencer…”

“Hi, Spencer,” everyone around the room greeted him. I stayed silent as I slid down in my seat. I folded my arms over my chest and looked at the ground. 

“I’m new here, this is my first time here. I’m an addict,” he spoke. I looked up at him and cocked an eyebrow. “I’m addicted to Dilaudid,”

“Holy shit,” I spoke under my breath. Spencer turned to look at me with a raised eyebrow. I cringed and looked at the ground, hoping he would go back to himself.

“I’ve been addicted to it for a year, and I’m trying to go clean for work and my mother,” he nodded before sitting back down. I glanced at him as he sat back down. 

“Sorry about interrupting you,” I whispered as I spoke to him. My knee started shaking like I was purposely bounding my leg. But the shaking was something I couldn’t control. A symptom of withdrawal of the Oxycodone. 

“It’s okay,” Spencer replied as he looked at his hands. He folded them over his lap as he pretended to listen to the next person sharing their faults and life story. I followed along, pretending to listen. “Oxy, that’s an intense drug choice,”

“Could say the same about Dilaudid,” I whispered and shrugged, keeping my eyes on the ground in front of me. The nasty, dirty, off white color of the tiles made me feel nauseous… Or maybe it was the early side effects of withdrawal. I’m not sure at this point, and I honestly don’t care. I just hated that feeling. “Dilaudid,” I whispered to myself as I cocked my head. “Must be a good high,” I glanced at Spencer with a raised eyebrow. I wonder if he’d give… No…

“Could say the same about Oxy,” 

“Is there anything you two would like to share?” Jacob looked between Spencer and I. I glanced at him, my eyes shifting between the floor and him.

“No, I’m sorry, Jacob,” I mumbled as I sat up a bit more in my seat. Spencer looked over at me as I adjusted to get comfortable. It was an honest struggle to do anything, and I hated it. 

“Just don’t let it happen again,” Jacob nodded and smiled. I nodded and looked back at the ground.

The rest of the group shared the small tidbits about themselves before it got back to me. I knew I’d have to share my life story with these people, half of whom were strangers to me. So, I swallowed roughly and looked at the ground as I began speaking.

“I, uh…” I wrinkled my nose and shrugged, “I don’t really know why I do it… I guess it’s… An escape... Not like I have anyone who actually cares about me and what I do or don’t do,” I shrugged, “And… I’m trying, like, really trying this time. I always forget how hard temptations are, ya know,” I muttered as I looked down at the ground.

{***}{***}{***}

I looked around at everyone, watching as they all broke apart to talk to each other. I shrugged, sticking my hands in my pockets and walking towards the doors of the community center. No one would notice my absence, so if I go out for a smoke I should be fine.

I sat on the curb as I placed a cigarette between my lips. I fumbled in my pockets for my small lighter before lighting the cigarette. The smoke swirled into the air, somehow calming me in a weird way. 

“6 minutes,” a voice came from behind me. Well, a lot of voices came from behind me, as everyone filed out of the community center.

“I’m sorry,” I turned slowly to look at the owner of the voice. Spencer was standing a few feet away from me with his hands in his pockets.

“ 6 minutes. It’s something I used to say to my mom to try to get her to quit smoking. A cigarette takes 6 minutes off your life, so every time she’d light one I’d say ‘That’s 6 minutes less that I get to spend with you,’... She didn’t quit though,” he kicked a rock over towards me as he took a step to me. I stared up at him with a raised eyebrow. “Every cigarette you smoke can kill you,”

“Yeah, and so will oxy and Dilaudid,” I pulled the cigarette from my mouth and laughed. Spencer cocked his head as he stared at me. “I think I’ll quit one thing at a time instead of going cold turkey,” I nodded as I tapped the ash off the cigarette. I looked back up at Spencer and patted the ground beside me. “Does your mother still smoke?” I asked when he didn’t sit.

“No, she doesn’t. She’s actually in an assisted living facility now,” he pressed his lips together before nodding. The way he said it so nonchalantly was weird. Most people aren’t so chill about their parents being in a facility.

“Interesting,” I took a long drag of my cigarette before blowing the smoke from between my lips. I looked at the ground and cocked my head, “My mother’s dead,” I looked back up at Spencer and put a fake smile on my lips. Tears were rolling back down my cheeks as I spoke about my mom. I shouldn’t be crying over my mother. She’s been dead for almost a year.

“I’m sorry about that,” he looked back at me with a frown. I shrugged as I wiped my eyes with my free hand. 

“It’s okay,” I shrugged as I stood back up. I nearly toppled over if Spencer hadn’t grabbed my arm and steadied me. “Fuck me,” I gasped swaying under Spencer’s grasp. I glanced at him, silently telling him I was okay and didn’t need his help anymore. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, pulling his hand away from me. I looked at him before taking a step back.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” I muttered before dropping the cigarette butt to the ground. “Thanks for that,” I nodded, stepping back so I was a foot or two away from him. 

“You said you’ve been clean for 24 hours?” He asked, looking down at me. I nodded lightly as I looked back at the ground.

“Yeah, yeah, yep… I, uh, I…” I looked up at the sky and looked at the stars. They dotted the sky like a child’s dot-to-dot coloring book thing. Damn, I wish I was an astrologer to know the consolations… 

“Poor concentration is a known symptom of withdrawal… Not just for oxycodone. But for a lot of drugs,” Spencer’s voice pulled me back to earth, literally. I looked up at him with wide eyes. 

“Would you believe me when I tell you that I already knew that… And that… That, uh… Fucking hell. I’m sorry… The longest I stayed clean was 8 days and I relapsed.” I felt a shiver go through my body, causing me to jerk my head the wrong way. I winced slightly at the sudden pain in my neck. My hand shot up and held where the pain was, pressing my thumb into that muscle. “That was almost a year ago... After my mother died,” I rubbed the underside of my nose. Spencer raised an eyebrow and nodded. 

“I understand. Sorry, I said something. I should have realized that you already knew that,” he whispered as he looked at me.

“It’s okay, really. I’m young… I’m dumb… And I have a drug addiction. You didn’t know any better,” I smiled softly at him. 

“How old are you?” He asked. I shivered again and cocked my head to my shoulder. 

“22,” I whispered. Spencer shrugged off the blazer he was wearing and handed it over to me. I stared at it with wide eyes before shaking my head, “No, no, it’s okay,” I waved it off.

“22... That is pretty young,” he agreed, placing the jacket over my shoulders. I grumbled slightly before pushing my arms through the sleeves. 

“What are you? 36?” I asked, raising my eyebrow playfully. Spencer laughed and shook his head.

“Close, 26,” he smiled. I nodded and looked at the ground.

“Damn, you’re fucking old,” I smiled at him. Spencer laughed and shrugged.

“Considering I’m the youngest one where I work… Yeah, I’m old,” he spoke and shoved his hands into his pants pocket. I raised an eyebrow and cocked my head to the side.

“What do you do for work?” I asked as I folded my arms over my chest. Spencer looked at the ground as he shrugged. “Oh, clearly it’s a job you don’t like to talk about,” I whispered.

I looked around and noticed that it was just Spencer and I left outside. Everyone had left while we were talking. Usually, I’m one of the first people to leave, since I have to walk back to my complex. But I guess tonight was different. I got caught up talking to Spencer instead of actually going home.

“I don’t have a job,” I commented after a moment of silence. I looked up at him and noticed that he was looking around the sidewalks. He probably just noticed that it was just the two of us. “Would it be possible for you to give me a ride home? I walk home but it’s later than usual…” I looked back at the sky before looking at the parking lot. There were two cars. One of which was Jacob’s, the other one I would assume was Spencer’s. “I know I shouldn’t be asking for a ride from someone I just met. But I already trust you more than I trust Jacob. Between you and me… he makes me uncomfortable. I don’t think you would, like, touch me or anything,” I shrugged as I looked back at him. 

“You want a ride?” 

“Yeah, yeah. That’s why I asked. I, uh… I usually walk. Like I said… But it’s late and I don’t, uh… I’ve heard what happens to people like me and I don’t exactly want to become a disappearance story,” I whispered.

“I understand, yeah.” Spencer nodded as he pulled his hands from his pockets. His car keys were in his grip. 

“I appreciate that. Thanks,” I whispered. Spencer glanced at me before walking towards a white car. I quietly slipped into the passenger’s side as Spencer got into the driver’s. 

“How the hell did someone like you get addicted to Dilaudid?” I kept my head low as I glanced at Spencer. I watched from the corner of my eyes as his grip on the wheel tightened, his knuckles turning white a bit. 

“I, uh… I was kidnapped while on the job. And, the assailant used the Dilaudid to drug me… No one knows about it, and it could cost me my job.” Spencer spoke softly as he glanced at me. I nodded and looked at my lap. 

“So you were normal a year ago?” 

“I guess you could say that,” Spencer laughed lightly.

“That’s nice, at least. I was fighting with my mom and still addicted to Oxy.” I dryly laughed and shook my head. “Kidnapped though, that must have been terrifying,” I shrugged as I looked at him.

“Yeah, it was. I nearly died. Thankfully my team found me and I was able to go home,” he sighed deeply. I swallowed roughly and glanced at him. 

“At least you’re able to get clean so quickly after… Or at least try… My mother always dragged me to NA, and I hated it. That’s why I hate sharing and shit.” I shrugged and shook my head.

“You seem pretty comfortable sharing with me. And, by the sounds of it you’ve been attending for a while.” Spencer pointed out. I sighed and looked over at him.

“I guess I’m better more one-on-one instead of group therapy, as people would put it. But also, you seem safe in a weird way. Out of all the people in that stupid group, you seem like the best.” I smiled at him. 

“Thanks… I think,” he looked over at me for a moment, “You’re not just saying that because I’m closest to you in age?”

“I guess… Young people are too ignorant to go get help. But I’m sure you knew that. I’m the youngest one there right now and don’t really trust anyone.” I shrugged. 

“Not even your mother, before she passed?”

“It’s honestly her fault that I got addicted.”

“Why’s that?” Spencer asked, looking over at me. 

“Uhm, well, so… She got into a severe car accident when I was 17 and got pain killers for her broken ribs and shit. I stole them… Then… Blamed it on her boyfriend,” I glanced at him. My body was shaking again, and it wasn’t because I was cold. That’s just something that happens with withdrawal. “She figured it out pretty quickly that I took them from her.” I looked out the window and dropped my shoulders, “I just realized I never told you where I lived…” I looked back at Spencer when I realized he was just driving around. 

“It’s okay. I figured you needed to talk anyways. Even if it’s about me… Or about you,” Spencer smiled softly at me. I nodded, happy that he made that comment. 

“Yeah, sometimes it’s just nice to talk to someone who isn’t a therapist I can’t afford or Jacob and 10 other people,” I shrugged and shook my head. I quickly gave him my address. He nodded and started to head that way. “I promised my mother I’d get clean for her and she died of cancer before I totally got there. So, it was a smack to the face. Like, what’s the point of going clean for someone that’s  _ dead _ ?” I scoffed and shook my head. 

“Go clean for yourself… So you don’t have to go to that god-awful group again,” Spencer smiled at me. I had to hold back my cackle because that was the best, yet funniest, idea I’ve heard in a long time… Especially regarding that group.

“Not a bad idea, Spencer,” I smiled and nodded, “Will I see you at the next meeting?” I looked at him as he pulled up to my apartment complex. 

“Gotta get my jacket back somehow,” Spencer flashed me a smile. 


	2. Part Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> reader and spencer have become best buddies after attending NA together. Reader goes to a meeting and panics when she doesn’t see Spencer there. Worried that he might have done something wrong, she calls him in a panic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warnings: swearing, talks about drugs and the usage of drugs (oxycodone), drug abuse (oxycodone and dilaudid), attending narcotics anonymous, smoking (cigarettes), drug withdrawal, mentions of possible death (not a real death), talks about religion/God (but not for very long)

I tugged my sweater tight around my body as I walked towards the community center. I stayed a fair distance away from the doors as people entered. There were way too many people entering at once for me to go in now. The way the small crowd entered the building, with a few stragglers behind, only made me a little nervous. 

It was… chilly out today. The last of the warm days were behind us now as we were heading into Winter. That would mean I’d have to find a way to and from the community center and home sooner rather than later. I wonder if Spencer would help me…

“Hey!” A woman’s voice came from beside me as I neared the doors. I looked up from the ground and looked at her. Marie, who practically became my mother after my mom died, was standing at the doorway. “You walked here?” she asked as I entered the building.

“I don’t exactly have a car, Marie, you know that,” I shrugged as I buttoned my sweater up. 

“As long as you’re here, that’s all that matters,” she smiled and wrapped an arm around my body. Part of me wanted to shrug her off me, but another part of me welcomed the embrace. “Go eat something, you’re skin and bones,” she rubbed her hands up and down my arms, as if she was warming me up. Of course, that didn’t actually do anything to warm me up and stop me from shaking.

“I do eat, okay. You don’t need-Is that Shephard’s Pie?” I cut myself off when a familiar smell hit my nose. She looked at me and smiled.

“Go eat something,” she winked before leaving me alone. I sighed and looked around the room, looking at all the people around. And just like before, people were standing around and talking to each other, or sitting down. Only a few people were eating what was made. The times when people who work for the community center make food were my favorite days. Granted, they only make food once a month, very rarely was it twice a month. The food they make is always good though.

So, with that knowledge, I walked to where they were serving the food and got myself a plate. I didn’t exactly know where to sit, mostly because I didn’t want to sit beside a bunch of strangers and eat. Actually, I didn’t want to be around anyone while I ate. That left me going to the hall where the bathrooms were to eat. 

I could tell tonight was going to be different. Something about the feeling of everyone was… Off? I’m not really sure how to explain it. Maybe it was the fact that I was alone, and everyone else was with someone or talking to someone. And, I was just me, sitting in the hall to the bathrooms, poking at my Shephard’s Pie.

When I finally finished eating (I took my sweet time), I brought my plate back to the kitchen. The people around were sitting in their respective chairs, waiting for the group to start. I looked around at everyone one last time before I realized something… Spencer wasn’t here. 

Now, I know Spencer is a busy guy with whatever it was that he did for work. And, I know I’ve only known him for a few short weeks, if not a month. But I couldn’t help but allow my mind to wander and race to the scary thoughts that I shouldn’t have. Like, what if he made a mistake… What if he was sitting in the bathroom at his home, overdosing? Shit, shit… Shit. Or, what if he already did overdose and it’s too late. It’s bad that I allow myself to think those thoughts. I really shouldn’t. 

I’m not obsessed with Spencer. Okay? He’s just the only person who’s cared about me in a long time. And, he’s the only person (and thing) I’ve cared about since… Well, since I was 15. Of course, I’m worried about him.

I swallowed roughly as I looked over at Jacob, who was sitting away from the circle, reading over some papers (probably what he was going to say during today’s meeting). He’ll know where Spencer went. I mean, Jacob knows everything about everyone here. He’s gotta know where he is.

I pulled the sleeves of my sweater so my hands were pulled inside them. I looked at the ground as I walked over to Jacob. My heart was beating so hard in my chest it was actually scaring me. I shouldn’t be this scared.

I cleared my throat when I got to Jacob. He slowly lifted his head from the folder and looked at me. Glasses were perched on the tip of his nose, and his eyes were peaking from over the frame.

“Hey, happy to see you here,” he smiled as he closed the folder and placed it to the chair beside him, “What’s up? Did you eat?” he asked, looking around me to the table of food.

“Yeah, yeah, I did,” I nodded and looked back at the ground, “Uhm… Is Spencer coming tonight? He’s usually pretty punctual to meetings… And, he’s not here. I’m just… I’m scared he might have done something,” I whispered, keeping my voice low just in case other people were listening. 

“Oh, no. Spencer’s not coming tonight. He had a work trip that he had to go on. He’ll be back next week,” Jacob smiled at me. I looked back up at him, keeping my eyes on his face.

“Do you… Do you have his phone number?” I looked away from him again, worried that I’d be doing the wrong thing or invading his life. “I do believe you, Jacob. I just…” I wiped my eyes because I didn’t realize I had started crying. 

“Yeah, yeah, no I understand.” Jacob fumbled his pockets for his phone before finally pulling it out. “He might not answer. So you should wait till after tonight’s meeting to call.” he looked up at me as he wrote Spencer’s number on a slip of paper. “I’ll let him know you have his number,” he smiled as he handed over the paper. I nodded before taking the paper from him and pocketing it. 

“Thanks, Jacob… I appreciate it,” I whispered before turning to go find a seat. I kept my head low as I sat, not really wanting anyone to look at me. I could still feel tears rolling down my cheeks, and at this point, I didn’t know why I was crying. I think it was just the overwhelming emotions that I was feeling in general. My emotions are just too much for me and I guess this is where I’m left off.

Jacob was standing up in the circle this time, doing the greeting and welcoming everyone to the meeting. I always hated that part. Where he acts like no one is actually here, dying off coke, or oxy, or meth. But, what can I say? He’s just trying to make a good time out of a shitty situation. 

I was snapped back to reality when Jacob said my name, repeatedly. I looked over at him with wide eyes. 

“Do you want to go first,” he offered. I looked at him and shook my head. 

“Why do you always have me first?” I whispered, mildly annoyed that he always wants me to go first to share life over the last week. “I mean, I’m a month clean if that’s what you want to hear. I have my struggles.” I sighed and looked at him.

“Do you want to expand on those struggles?” He started. I bit my lips together before shrugging.

“Last week, uh, I had a bad week. And, I guess… I have some stuff leftover. Like, hidden away. I just really wanted to not feel anything.” I looked at my lap and shook my head. “I have a friend, though. He’s helping me with my struggles and stuff. I wish I could help him as much as he helps me though,” I sighed and looked back at Jacob. “It’s really hard, not taking whatever to get high to just not exist for a short time,” I explained. I wasn’t sure if it made sense to anyone, but it made enough sense to me. And that’s all that mattered, that I knew what I meant. 

“But you’re working through those struggles, and that’s a good thing. Having a support system is really important. So, your friend that you have is really good.” Jacob smiled and nodded. I stared at him before slowly nodding.

“Yeah, yeah. It is a good thing. I’ve never had a support system like him before. He’s right alongside me.” I whispered. I never really thought of Spencer ass my support system. It’s true though, he is. Even if I wasn’t his. “Someone else should share,” I muttered. I made sure my tone was annoyed, just so Jacob would know to stop having me be the first to share.

{***}{***}{***}

After the meeting ended, I walked to the laundromat that was a block or two from my apartment. They had a payphone there that I’d be able to use, which is nice because I didn’t have a cell phone or home phone to use. I’ve done it before, using the laundromat’s payphone. 

I knew I had some change stuffed into the pockets of my sweater. I just hope no one would be in the laundromat. Well, it was late so I don’t expect people to be doing their laundry now. Unless it was someone who didn’t want to be seen during the day, like me.

A shiver shot through my body as I entered the building. I was happy to see that there was only one person here, and it looked like they were almost done doing their load. I glanced at them as I walked to the 3 pay-phones. I sat right at the second one, my hands jingling the change in my pockets. I pulled out four quarters and the paper with Spencer’s number. My eyes scanned the numbers that had Jacob’s sloppy handwriting on it. 

I picked the phone up off the hook before dialing the number. I stared at the numbers on the pad as I held the phone to my head. 

“This is Spencer R-” I slammed the phone back on the hook before he could say anymore. I stared at the phone with wide eyes. My hands were shaky and I could feel my head starting to get a little dizzy. It was just the nerves, anxiety, and everything of the day hitting me all at once. I stared at the phone. I pulled all the change from my pockets and placed it on the counter. 4 quarters, which means two more calls. I swallowed roughly before dialing his number again.

“This is…”  
“Hi Spencer, it’s me,” I bit my lips together and closed my eyes. I pressed my free hand to my face and shook my head. “I, uh… Sorry if this was inappropriate or anything. I just… I asked Jacob for your number… And, I missed you today, sorry if that’s weird,” I blabbed, my words trailing off. 

“Hey! No, no it’s okay!” Spencer spoke. His tone was happy, like whatever it was that he was doing made him happy. “Sorry I didn’t come tonight. I had work stuff happening.” He explained. So, I nodded, even though he couldn’t see me. 

“Yeah, that’s what Jacob had said.” I retorted and shrugged.

“But you didn’t believe him, did you?” Spencer asked, a certain amusement in his tone. I held back my laughter and nodded.

“Well, I told him I believed him. But I didn’t really believe him,” I rested my face in my hand and leaned against the counter. “A work trip?” I asked, changing the subject back to him.

“Yeah, yeah,” his voice got low, like he tried to not be heard by whoever he was with, “Probably won’t be home till the end of next week, though,” he sounded sad. 

“So, you won’t be home for the next meeting?” I frowned and tried to make it so he could hear my frown. Assuming he did because he started laughing. “God, I fucking hate Jacob, I swear,” I sighed and shook my head. 

“You know, at first I didn’t understand why you hated him… But I’m starting to understand why,” he laughed. I smiled and looked around the laundromat. The previous person was gone, leaving me alone. I was happy about that. I didn’t want people listening in on my conversation. Man, it’d be awkward if he worked for the FBI or something where someone is  _ always _ listening.

“He always makes me go first to share, it’s getting annoying,” I scoffed and shook my head. “Like, is it because I’m the youngest one there? Because I’ve been attending for so long?” I shook my head again because of my annoyance.

“Maybe you’ll have to ask him. Could be because you’re young,” Spencer answered. On his side of the call, I could hear papers shuffling. 

“God, that’s annoying,” I scoffed, “How was your week?” I smiled, asking the question that is usually first answered in group. Spencer cackled, not just a laugh but a cackle. 

“It was good. Uh, work whisked me away and I wasn’t expecting it. But, here we are.” Spencer sighed. The image I had of him in my head right now was nice. He was just sitting at a desk, coffee in front of him while he read whatever papers he needed. Wait… “What about you? What phone number is this?”

“Oh… Uh, I’m at the laundromat down the street from my apartment… I don’t have a phone,” I bit my lips together and sighed, “Uhm, but my week was meh. I mean, like… Last week was pretty rough… Not gonna lie,” I rubbed my face and shook my head, “Uh, yeah, it was just. I don’t even know why it was a rough week.” 

“You didn-”

“No, no, I wanted to though,” I slouched in the chair and shook my head. “It was really hard not going to my stash… And just taking whatever I had.” I shrugged.

“One minute remaining,” an automated female voice spoke. I widened my eyes and fumbled for quarters.

“Shit,” I muttered, nearly dropping them back to the counter. I also nearly dropped the phone too.

“Is… Is everything okay?” Spencer asked, legitimate worry in his words. I sighed once I finally inserted the quarters into the machine.

“Yeah, yeah. Yep, uh… I don’t use payphones, let alone actual phones, often. And I never have quarters on me for these things,” I shook my head in annoyance. “Sorry if I scared you,” I cringed. 

“It’s okay.” He replied. I sighed and shook my head. “Now that you have my number, you won’t hesitate to call me, will you?” the worry was back in his voice as he spoke. It kinda scared me how much he worried about me. I’ve never had someone worry about me like this before. What if I disappointed him? Or he disappointed me? I’m used to being a disappointment and getting disappointed. So, what’s it going to do if I get disappointed one more time?

“It’ll depend on the time of day and where I am… If I’m able to get to the laundromat, then sure. But if I’m not near a payphone or if I don’t have quarters, I probably won’t,” I answered. 

“Time of day doesn’t matter. I never sleep anyway. And I assume you never sleep either,” he pointed out the obvious. I laughed and nodded.

“Okay, time of day is no worry. Then, it’ll depend on if I have quarters for the machine,” I pointed out.

“I’ll figure something out for you then,” Spencer stated. I smiled again and nodded. “What time is it?”

“Almost 10… I had to walk to the community center, and then back here.” I sighed.

“You should go to bed,” Spencer spoke firmly. I rolled my eyes and smiled. 

“You’re not my real dad,” I feigned a playful disappointment in my tone. That made Spencer laugh. “I thought you died… When you weren’t at group… My mind kinda wandered and I had thoughts that weren’t the greatest,” I wrinkled my nose. My stomach sank and my body hurt slightly at the thoughts and memories of all the previous thoughts I had of earlier today. 

“Hey, hey,” Spencer’s voice was soft, like he knew I was visibly upset. The kindness he had in his voice made me feel better. “If I have you in my life, I can guarantee that I won’t die,” he had a small chuckle in his tone. I smiled.

“Accountability buddies?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. The smile that was growing on my lips was probably too happy for us to be talking about death and drugs. It was Spencer’s turn to be laughing.

“Okay, okay, accountability buddies,” he agreed, his tone being as happy as my smile was. 

“You know that stupid step? The one about a greater power or whatever?” I asked, tapping my fingers across the counter. Spencer laughed.

“You mean Step Two ‘We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.’ or Steps Five through Seven?” He asked, his tone somewhat cheery. I laughed and shook my head. 

“Honestly, all of them,” I wrinkled my nose and shook my head.

“What about them?” 

“What if I don’t believe in a higher power or God?” I asked. I lifted my hand and looked my fingers around the phone cord. And with that question, Spencer hummed. I wished he got to answer the question.

“One minute remaining,” the automated voice was back, causing me to frown because I knew our time on the phone would be over soon. I really didn’t want it to be. Spencer was someone I could trust, and he knew that. He was even a better distraction to stop me from doing anything stupid.

“Get some sleep?” Spencer asked, his tone only slightly begging. I smiled and nodded. “Okay, if you nodded, I can’t see you.”

“I’ll get some sleep. I promise,” I sighed, even though I knew it was a lie. I mean, I know Spencer isn’t going to sleep either.

“How many quarters do you have?”

“On me, 4. I’m sure I have more in my apartment,” I sat up in the chair and nodded, “I’ll call you if I need you, Spencer. Thank you for letting me call you,” I wrinkled my nose. 

“Of course. I’d rather have you call me instea-”

“You’ll be home next week?” I asked, cutting him off. He didn’t really need to say anything further, I knew exactly what he was going to say.

“That’s the plan. Could be sooner.” He answered, sounding upset with his own answer. “I’ll take you to get coffee when I get back?” he offered, like that’d make me happy. Okay, yeah it worked. It did make me happy. 

“Coffee?” I asked, raising an eyebrow because I wasn’t sure if he actually offered to get me coffee. “Y-yeah, coffee. That sounds good,” I nodded. I’ve never gotten coffee before.

“I’ll see you then. Goodnight,”

“Goodnight, Spencer,” I smiled before placing the phone back on the receiver. I sat back in the seat and looked at the machine. My eyes then shifted down to the quarters on the countertop. I really wanted to keep talking to him, mostly because I liked talking to him. And, if he was so willing to talk to me, I’ll do it anytime.

I stared at the payphone for a moment before finally standing up. I slipped the last of my quarters and paper back into my pockets before leaving. By the time I finally got back outside, it was cold, colder than before I called Spencer. I suppose that’s what I get for wanting to make a call late at night. 

When I got to my apartment, I couldn’t feel my fingers or my toes. I didn’t want to take a shower, because I really didn’t want to get cold again after the shower. So, I just slumped my way to my bedroom, not like that’ll make me any warmer. 


	3. part three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer keeps his promise and takes Reader to get coffee before NA. While at the coffee shop, Reader meets one of Spencer’s co-workers and finds out who he actually works for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: swearing, mentions of withdrawal and symptoms, mentions of depression and suicide (but not for long), mentions of overdose

Three firm knocks came from the front door of my apartment. I looked towards the door as I struggled to tie my shoes. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as I stood up. My sweater was on the hook by the front door, so I can’t even excuse myself for running behind. It was just my anxiety causing me to be a little slow.

So with that, I walked up to the front door to answer it. I’m not sure why I was expecting anyone other than Spencer, but for some reason, my body was telling me it was someone else. But when I opened the door, a smile spread across my face when I saw Spencer.

Small snowflakes were sitting, and melting, in his hair as he stood in the hallway outside my own world. His nose and cheeks were a light rosy pink color because of the coldness outside. A dark plaid scarf was wrapped around his neck and hung over his unbuttoned jacket. And his eyes had a certain sparkle that I couldn’t seem to look away from.

“Hey,” Spencer smiled at me as he ruffled his hair, getting the snowflakes out. I stayed silent for a moment too long and kept my eyes on him. 

“Hey,” I blinked and shook my head, “I’m almost done… I, uh, was just… Do you want to come… Come in,” I kept my voice low as I asked. I stepped back and pulled the door open. 

“Thanks,” he smiled before stepping into my apartment. I looked around my home, realizing that it was a little on the messier side. 

“Sorry… Sorry for the mess. I usually don’t… I don’t really have visitors here. And, I guess I sort of forgot that you were coming over,” I bit my lips together.

“Oh, don’t… Don’t worry about it, really. My apartment is pretty messy too,” he brushed my messiness off like it was nothing. I looked around my home one last time before grabbing my sweater off the hook. “It’s starting to snow a little hard out there, we should get going,” Spencer cringed as he looked towards the window, which was covered by the cheap dollar store curtains. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m all ready,” I looked at him and smiled. He looked back at me before raising an eyebrow.

“You don’t have a coat?” He asked, watching as I grabbed my apartment keys. I shoved them in my pocket as I looked at him. 

“No, this is enough,” I smiled at him. Spencer nodded before following me out. “So, where was your trip to?” I looked up at Spencer as we stepped onto the sidewalk. He was wrapping a scarf around his neck before tucking it away into his coat. 

“Someplace in Texas,” he nodded as he buttoned the last button. He smiled at me before putting an arm around me. I just assumed he did it because I didn’t have an actual coat and just a sweater. “Work stuff… Kinda scary…”

“How does a work trip get scary?” I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked at the ground. A very fine layer of snow was dusting the sidewalk, letting our footprints leave tracks as we walked. The snow was coming down like little cotton balls, so our footprints didn’t last very long. I always forget how cold it gets in the Winter. 

“Well, uh,” Spencer kept his voice low as he spoke. I raised an eyebrow before looking back up at him. “It’s a long story,” he added in an even lower voice.

“I have time for a long story,” I mumbled with a shrug. 

“It’s a really long story,” he looked down at me. I looked up at him and furrowed my eyebrows. It’d take a lot to get this story from him. I’m not even sure if it would be worth the fight...

The chilliness of the air nipped at the back of my neck and arms through my sweater, causing me to shiver. Spencer looked down at me with concern in his eyes. “We need to get you a proper jacket. It’s too cold out for you to be walking in just a sweater and jeans,” he spoke, his tone coming up an octave. I refrained from rolling my eyes because of him changing the subject. I’ll of course bring it up later. He’s clearly not telling me anything about what happened. 

“I’m okay, really. With just this,” I tugged on my sweater. Spencer looked down at me and raised an eyebrow. “Really, Spencer. It’s fine. I don’t think I have money for a coat anyways,” I shrugged it off as nothing. Spencer looked away from me, thinking about something to say. Then he suddenly pulled his scarf off and wrapped it around my neck. “I’m fine!” I exclaimed as I stepped away from him. “Spencer, if being cold is the only thing that gives me feeling, then let me be cold,” I looked up at him, “I’m going through enough withdrawal to be depressed and shit. Just let me be cold,” I pulled the scarf off and handed it back over to him. The scarf stayed draped in my hand, swaying in the wind, between Spencer and me.

Spencer stared at the scarf in my hand before looking up at my face. I couldn’t exactly read the expression he wore, but he was definitely upset about my sudden mood change. He slowly shook his head as he pushed the scarf to me. 

“Keep it. If you don’t want a jacket and you won’t let me buy you one, I want you to keep my scarf,” he looked up at my face before taking the scarf from my hand. He carefully wrapped it around my neck and placed his hands on my shoulders. I rolled my eyes before smiling at him. “Please, I have another one at home,”

“Are you too stubborn to take no for an answer?” I asked as I started walking again. Spencer laughed as he caught up to my pace. I smiled as he returned his arm around my shoulders. I leaned more into his embrace.

“That would be correct,” he looked down at me and smiled. I rolled my eyes again and shook my head. 

We stayed silent on the remainder of the walk, it wasn’t a far walk from my apartment to the coffee shop. Occasionally, Spencer would crack a joke or two, causing me to laugh. Which was good. I missed a good laugh or two. 

“So, do any of your work friends know… about this?” I looked up at Spencer as we walked side-by-side into a coffee shop. It was probably a good bet to say that he probably frequents more often than not. “This being you and going to NA, you and you’re… and you and me,” I stopped myself from saying any more, mostly because I knew he  _ hated _ when we talked about our issues outside of NA or the community center. I understood  _ why  _ he hated it, but it didn’t leave much left to talk about. 

“No, no they don’t,” he mumbled as we stepped in line. There were three or four other people in front of us. Just a short wait, that’s it. I’m okay with waiting, in all honesty. The longer we’re here, the longer we are away from the community center. And God knows we both hate that place... “And I’d prefer if it stayed that way,” he spoke, mostly to himself, like he was reminding himself that no one knew of this secret life he has.

“I see,” I whispered and stepped closer to him. Spencer looked down at me before wrapping an arm around my shoulder. I looked down and smiled as he held me closer. “I’ve never been here before,” I looked around the cafe, taking in the atmosphere of the place. It was comfy and cozy. As opposed to the outside, which was cold and snowy. 

“Pretty good. Although, it’s kinda hard for me to say no to coffee,” he laughed as he stepped forward in line. I returned the laughter and nodded. 

“What do you get? Normal black coffee? Or a fun drink?” I looked up at him. Spencer looked back down at me and thought. 

“Usually just plain coffee with cream and some sugar,” he nodded as he looked towards the front at the menu. I followed his gaze and looked over the menu myself. “What about you?”

“Uh,” I shifted on my feet and looked back at his face, “I just... I don’t really drink coffee or anything,” I crossed my arms over my chest. Spencer hummed as he looked down at me. “I guess hot chocolate is okay,” I whispered and looked back up at Spencer. 

“Hot chocolate, pretty good,” he spoke as he shoved his other hand in his pocket to pull out his wallet. We both silently stepped up to the counter. 

“Hey there, what can I get you guys?” The barista had a certain chipper-ness to her tone. It was probably from all the caffeine she consumes on a daily basis. Or it was the fact that she’s been awake for a million hours and is just tired. Probably the former...

“Large coffee, plain… Room for sugar and cream,” Spencer smiled at the barista. I shoved my hands in my pocket, hoping to find a spare bill or two. But when I pulled my hand out and it was empty, I frowned. Of course, I don’t have extra money. I’m a 22-year-old drug addict (Recovering… Recovering drug addict), who buys street drugs and can barely pay rent on time. Why would I have extra money shoved into my pocket?

“I don’t need anything,” I looked up at Spencer and forced a fake smile on my lips. He frowned and looked at the barista, who was watching the two of us with a friendly smile.

“No, no, my treat. Don’t worry about it,” He gestured to the counter. He removed his arm from my shoulder and pulled money from his wallet. I looked at him with wide eyes before looking back at the barista.

“Uh, small hot chocolate… Thanks,” I kept my voice low, mostly because my anxiety was going crazy. No one’s ever gotten me a drink before, much less anything. 

The barista smiled at Spencer and I before taking the money from him. I glanced at him, watching him place the change into the tip jar. He looked down at me with a small smile before guiding me over to where a sign that said “Pick Up Here” sat.

“You didn’t have to buy me a drink, Spencer,” I whispered as we stayed close to one another. He shrugged as he shoved both hands into his pocket. “No, seriously, it’s okay,”

“It isn’t okay, because it’s cold outside and having a nice hot drink is always nice.” Spencer looked down at me and shrugged, “Just accept the kind gesture,” he lifted a hand and placed it on my shoulder. 

“I’ve never had someone just  _ buy  _ me something before. I mean,” I stopped myself from talking because the end of that statement had to do with drugs. “Ya know?” I glanced at him, hoping he’d just  _ know  _ what I meant. 

“Well, that’ll have to change, won’t it,” he whispered and smiled softly. I stared at him and shrugged. I shifted my gaze from his face and to the ground between us. 

“Here’s that hot chocolate and coffee for you two.” A different barista smiled at Spencer and I as he placed two paper cups on the counter. Spencer grabbed both cups and handed one over to me. We both turned to leave. 

“Listen, Spencer, hot chocolate is one thing. But a  _ coat _ ? That’s a whole other thing,” I spoke before taking a sip of my hot chocolate. I hummed as the warmth spread through my body. He smiled at me before grasping my hand.

“C’mon,” Spencer started as he pulled me towards the door of the cafe. I could feel a smile tug on my lips as we walked past a new rush of people.

“Reid?” a woman’s voice spoke, stopping Spencer and I in our tracks. He looked away from me and towards the owner of the voice. I followed his gaze and saw a thin brunette. I didn’t like the way he pulled his hand away from mine like he didn’t want to be caught with someone.

“H-Hi, Emily,” Spencer stared at her with wide eyes. The tone and shakiness in his voice definitely told the person and I that he was anxious that this was happening. Which was valid, considering we were just talking about his friends and co-workers and it’d be bad if they found out about NA. 

“Emily… Prentiss. I work with Spencer,” She smiled as she looked at me and stuck out a hand. Spencer still has to tell me what his occupation is. Whenever I asked him where he works, he always said he didn’t like talking about it or that it’d worry me. So, this’ll be a  _ fantastic  _ conversation topic on the way to the community center. 

I copied the same stare that Spencer held in his eyes. My eyes were glued to her hand. And, no doubt was my anxiety higher than his. “And you are,” she asked after a moment of my staring and silence. Her smile was still kind, but it was a little worrisome. And, her stare scared me, almost like she was reading me or something.

“Right, right, sorry,” I muttered as I placed my hand in hers. I muttered my name and looked at her. She raised her eyebrow before her eyes shifted to look at Spencer. 

“How do you know Spencer,” Emily asked, pulling her hand away from mine. I glanced at Spencer, silently pleading for him to take the lead on this question. I really didn’t want to answer this question because I didn’t know how to answer it. 

“Friend from the library,” Spencer spoke up with a certain… fakeness to his tone. It was obvious he was lying. It looked like Emily picked up on that too. With the way she pointedly stared at Spencer.

“How do you think I met him?” I looked up at her and shrugged. I looked at the clock that was hanging on the wall and sighed. “If we’re walking, we’re gonna be late,” I looked back at Spencer and spoke firmly. Spencer looked down at me and nodded.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Emily,” Spencer looked back at his friend and smiled. Emily looked between the two of us before allowing us to leave.

“It was nice meeting you,” she smiled at me as we  _ finally  _ left. I flashed her a nervous smile just as the door closed. 

Once we were finally outside, Spencer wrapped his arm back around me. I could feel my body get frigid, I played it off as the temperature of the outside even though it was the return of Spencer’s affection. I really enjoyed the affection, but what I didn’t like was his sudden lack of affection the second we see someone he knows. I understand why he did it, but I hated it. I’m a secret. 

“Who’s Emily?” I asked, my tone low. I tried not to sound  _ jealous _ . Spencer’s my best friend, and that’s it. I don’t like anyone like that, and I probably never will. “I mean, I know she’s someone you work with… But you never tell me anything about what you do for work, Spencer,” 

“She’s, uh,” he looked down at me. I kept my eyes away from him and stayed silent as I waited for my answer. “Yeah, she’s one of my co-workers.” He nodded. I looked back up at him and furrowed my eyebrows. 

“Where is it you guys work? Because it’s clearly not a Starbucks,” I asked, pressing him again about his occupation. “I mean, because if it is Starbucks, can you get me a job?” I smiled at him. Spencer laughed and shook his head. “Okay, okay, you don’t have to tell me where you work… But can you describe where you work?”

“No it’s not Starbucks,” he looked down at me and smiled softly. And with that, our conversation about his occupation ended. I tried not sounding or acting upset. But that’s okay. I’ll get over it. 

“Thanks for the hot chocolate,” I looked up at him and smiled. He returned the smile before taking a sip of his coffee.

{***}{***}{***}

“I just don’t understand… Why can’t you tell me?” I looked at Spencer as we walked towards the chairs. He glanced down at me before gesturing towards two chairs. I sat down before him, then watched as he sat down beside me. “Do you work someplace super duper embarrassing? Oh my god, are you a stripper?” I turned to look up at him. Spencer glared at me, a teeny-tiny smile growing on his lips. “Oh my god, you are,” I whispered as I moved closer to him. My butt was on the very edge of my chair so I could be as close as I could to him. “Can you show me somethi-”

“What, no! I’m not a stripper,” Spencer furrowed his eyebrows before laughing. I returned the laughter and looked up at him. He looked over his shoulders to see if anyone was nearby, or close enough to hear our conversation. “Why don’t we talk about this when we’re done here… No one here needs to hear our conversation,” Spencer whispered as he looked back at me. I looked at him before reaching out to hold his hand. He flinched slightly when I touched his hand. I looked up at him before blinking. As I went to pull my hand away from him, his grip tightened around my hand. “Does that sound good? I’ll be honest and answer any questions you have,” he looked down at our hands and nodded. His Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, whether that be saliva or nerves he was swallowing back. A light shade of pink grew on his face, coming up from his neck.

“Yeah, yeah that works,” I looked down at my lap. The scarf was draped over my legs, keeping me warm a little bit. Jacob stood up in the middle of the circle to introduce everyone, and I already wanted the night to be over. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Spencer looking over at me as I silently prayed for death to take me now. “My place or yours?” I smiled softly before looking back at him. 

“Yours since we’re already walking back there,” he dropped his head to his shoulder before looking at me. I smiled and turned to face Jacob. 

{***}{***}{***}

“Uh, I don’t have much in the means of food. I might have a can of spaghetti-o’s… If you’re hungry,” I spoke as I pulled the scarf off my neck and placed it on the hook, along with my sweater. 

“Oh, I’ll just have a glass of water,” Spencer spoke as he pulled his coat off. He placed his coat right on the hook beside my sweater. I nodded before walking over to the small kitchenette area. 

“You can have a seat anywhere, couch, armchair, floor... “ I grabbed two glasses before filling them with water. I walked back to the living room, my eyes down on the ground.

“So,” I whispered as I set the glasses on the coffee table. Spencer, who was sitting on the couch, leaned over and picked one up. I sat on the opposite end of the couch before curling up into the corner. “Emily seems very nice,” I looked at him, watching as he sipped his water. 

“She is… Everyone I work with is like family to me,” Spencer looked at me before placing his glass back on the coffee table. “It’s frustrating because...” he started, but he didn’t finish his thought. I furrowed my eyebrows and stared at him. 

“What’s frustrating?” I asked, watching as he furrowed his eyebrows. He looked back at me for a moment before exhaling.

“It’s frustrating… Because I constantly ask for help and no one helps.” Spencer looked down at his lap. I raised my eyebrow as I turned to face him more.

“How are you asking for help? And… I thought you said no one knows,” I whispered as I laid my head on the back of the couch. Spencer glanced at me before looking back down at his hands. He was pulling at fingers, his joints quietly popping. “Spencer, if no one knows what’s going on, then they can’t help you,” I kept my voice low because I didn’t want to say the wrong thing. I’m sure with Spencer I couldn’t ever say the wrong thing. I mean, he couldn’t say the wrong thing to me… 

“No, no… I think they know… And that scares me,” he whispered as he looked back at his hands. “I’ve been with them for so long, and they know me enough to know when something’s wrong,” he shrugged before shifting in his seat.

“What is it you do for work? You still haven’t told me,” I looked back at him as I asked. His gaze shifted between the couch and my face. The way his eyes shifted across my face and his silence told me he was trying to find the words to say but was having a hard time formulating them.

“I work for the FBI,” he whispered, dropping his gaze away from my face. 

I could feel my heart drop to my stomach and a certain sickness 

rise up my esophagus. It took everything in me not to be sick at the moment. My hand balled up into a tight fist, and I could feel my nails digging into my palms so hard, I’m sure if they weren’t nubs I would have bled. The FBI… The police… People who arrest people who buy and sell drugs illegally. People like me...

“The… The FBI?” I asked in a whisper. My voice was shaky as I spoke. Spencer looked back at me and nodded lightly. I shifted in my seat, my body wanting to leave. “You’re not… You’re not an undercover agent, are you?” I swallowed roughly as I stared at him. 

“What? No,” Spencer scowled as he looked at me. I looked away from him, mouthing the word ‘Sorry,’ but not even meaning the apology. “I’m not an undercover agent, and I’m not going to arrest you. No, I’m like you. I’m trying to get better.” He whispered as he looked back down on the couch. “Last week, when I was on the work trip… I was saving a kid… Some teenager… He was… He was bullied growing up and in high school. And, he was…”

“Victim turned bad guy?” I asked, interrupting him. He glanced over at me and nodded lightly.

“Yeah, yeah that’s basically what had happened. They were going to shoot him,” he whispered. I glanced at him and noted that tears were rolling down his cheeks. 

“They? They being the other members of your team?” I wrinkled my nose as I asked. He glanced at me again and nodded. I moved to stand up, but Spencer reached out and grabbed my wrist to stop me from standing. I looked at him with wide eyes and terror on my face. His features softened as he looked at me, realizing that this was getting too real for me too fast.

“And, I… I couldn’t let this kid  _ die _ . So, I stood between this kid, this kid that I only knew so much about, and nine police officers and federal agents and their guns,” he whispered, his voice breaking as he went on. My eyes grew wet as he spoke. 

“That’s really stupid of you, Spencer,” I whispered as I shift back to be sitting on the couch. Spencer laughed lightly and nodded. “Don’t… Don’t do that again,” I rubbed the underside of my nose and shook my head.

“Yeah, it was stupid of me, wasn’t it… But, this kid is alive,” he whispered. I looked over at him and watched as he moved closer to me. “You can trust me. I’m trying every bit as you are to get better,” he spoke as he readjusted his grip from my wrist to my hand. I swallowed roughly and looked down at our hands.

“You… I know we don’t know we don’t know each other too well… But you can’t die, Spencer. I don’t care if it’s because of work, because of a bad guy, or because of someone at work, or if it’s because of drugs… But, you can’t die,” I whispered as I looked back at him. I could really feel the tears racing down my cheeks. “I’ve never been clean as long as I have been. I don’t think I can do this without you,” I roughly rubbed my cheeks and shook my head. “I’m… I’m sorry, that’s stupid,” I scoffed and shook my head.

“That’s not stupid. Nothing about it all is stupid.” Spencer looked at me as he spoke. He lifted a hand to wipe my cheeks with a thumb. I looked at him before looking at the ground. “I’m having a rough time… With, uh, with, well, you know. I’ve stopped, uh, it. And last week’s case was the first case without it. I just didn’t care what happened, even if that meant dying.” He whispered as his grip on my hand tightened. “If you can do it… I can do it,”

“Accountability buddies,” I smiled as I reminded him of our promise to each other. Spencer looked back at me and smiled.

“Yes, accountability buddies,” he sighed as he pulled me close for a hug. I took a deep breath, breathing in his smell. “You alright?” 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m alright,” I wiped my cheeks again, “Mister FBI Agent,” I looked up at him and smiled, “Can you stay the night?” I asked, looking away from his face and at the messy coffee table. 

“Are you sure?” He looked down at me as he rested his hands on my shoulders. I looked up at him and nodded.

“I think it’d make me feel better… Knowing that you’re… That you’re here,” I glanced at him. I wasn’t sure if I was embarrassed or not. But, I definitely felt weird asking him to stay here. Just something about him being near for the night made me feel safe. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. I understand if it’s weird or what-”

“Yeah, I think I can make that work,” he nodded and looked at me. I smiled before throwing my arms back around him. “Just don't be surprised if I’m not here when you wake up,” he laughed lightly as rested his hands on my back, “I just… I know I’ll have to be at the office early,” he further explained. 

“That’s okay,” I nodded and looked up at him, “I promise I won’t make it a habit… Of asking you to stay the night, that is,” I looked away from him and shrugged. Spencer laughed and shook his head.

“I wouldn’t care if you did,” he muttered. I probably wasn’t supposed to hear him say that, but I did. And it kinda made me feel happy, like unusually happy. “Is it alright if I use the bathroom?” He asked as he stood up. 

“Oh, yeah, yep,” I copied his action and stood up. I looked to the ground as I lead him towards the bathroom, “Here you go,” I gestured into the open room. Spencer smiled at me before entering, pressing the door behind him. I stared at the surface of the door before stepping away. My fingers were tapping together as I walked back to the living room. My anxiety was a little high, and I wasn’t sure why, and the tapping was helping me calm down a bit. I had no secrets in the bathroom, nothing embarrassing or dangerous for him to see. 

I silently went back to sit on the couch, pulling my throw blanket over my shoulders. My apartment wasn’t necessarily cold. But there was enough of a chill to be noticeable. Well, to me at least. I’m not so sure about Spencer. I know I could just turn the heat up, but heating bills are expensive.

I instinctively stood up when the bathroom door clicked open. Spencer stepped out, drying his hands on his shirt. I internally cringed at my lack of paper towels or hand towels in the bathroom.

“Sorry,” I looked up at him and cringed. He looked back at me and shook his head.

“It’s okay,” he smiled as he shoved his hands into his pockets. I stared at him for a moment before walking away from the couches. “I really don’t have an issue sleeping on the couch,” he took a larger step to walk beside me. I glanced at me and shrugged.

“It’s cold,” I pointed out as we walked closer to my room. Spencer looked at me and smiled. “Besides, my bed can hold two people,” I smiled, mostly to myself. My bed wasn’t big, to begin with, two people probably shouldn’t be sharing. But, here we are… Because I didn’t want to be alone tonight. 

“Okay, okay,” Spencer laughed lightly as we entered the room. I looked up at him and smiled more as he looked at my bed. “If you say so,”

{***}{***}{***}

Okay, I was right, yet wrong at the same time. My bed  _ can  _ hold two people. But, it shouldn’t. Even though I’m smaller than Spencer, we were both on the very edge of the mattress. We had been in bed for an hour, and it’d been about 45 minutes since I shut the light off, leaving us in total darkness. I wouldn’t say I was uncomfortable, but it was difficult to be comfortable.

I rolled over onto my side, my back facing Spencer. Spencer was stiff on top of the blanket, making it impossible to get comfortable under it. He laid perfectly still on his back with his hands folded on his stomach.

“You know you can get under the blanket,” I spoke out loud as I looked up at him. He looked over at me, and it was clear that he hadn’t fallen asleep yet either. “Or, I can go get the blanket from the living room and you can use that,” I added in a whisper.

“It’s fine,” he nodded before shifting to move the blanket.

Once Spencer was actually under the blanket, he rolled on his side, so my back was pressed against his chest. My body stiffened once he relaxed. After a few minutes, I finally let my body relax and melt into the bed… That was until Spencer draped his arm over my body. 

“It’s okay,” I spoke before he even got the chance to move away from me, “It’s fine, you’re… You can stay there,” I shivered because I was cold and not because of my sudden anxiety. I knew he could sense my nerves. “It’s fine, really, Spencer,” I placed a hand on top of his to keep him from moving away from me. “Are you asleep?” I whispered, already knowing the answer. I knew we both wouldn’t be asleep anytime soon. The cuddling happening between us is obviously something we’ve never experienced before. I mean, I don’t know about Spencer, but  _ I’ve  _ never cuddled another human being other than my own mother (but even then she hadn’t cuddled me in more than 10 years). 

“Yes, I’m still awake,” he spoke, his voice low. His grip around me got a little tighter, pulling me closer to his chest. The way he held on to me was comparable to a child holding their stuffed animal, and I was honestly okay with it. “I’m assuming you’re still awake, considering you just asked me a question,” 

“I don’t usually fall asleep for a while after I go to bed,” I mumbled, pulling the blanket closer to me, “I spend most of my nights in bed, awake till 4 am,” I sighed. I silently hoped that tonight would be different though. 

“I’m sorry about that,” Spencer whispered. I shrugged as I shifted closer to him and further to the middle of the bed. “Maybe you should try to sleep earlier tonight,”  
“Yeah… Maybe,” 

{***}{***}{***}

I woke up before him. Our legs were tangled together, and he was holding me close against his chest. For the first time in a long time, I actually slept well. I wasn’t sure if it was because of the enormous space heater beside me, or because another person was actually in bed with me, but I was getting very hot.

I looked up at Spencer’s face, wanting to stay like this for a while. Although, I knew we couldn’t stay like this. He’d have to leave soon to go to work. He just looked so peaceful asleep. And, I was so comfortable lying here… 

I widened my eyes as I stared at him. My heart started beating faster, and I wasn’t sure if I could get it to slow. Part of me was worried that it’d wake him up, and another part of me was okay with it all. But, why was I worried as much as I was? And, why was it only when I was with Spencer I felt this way? What was going on? Crap...

I quickly closed my eyes and nuzzled my body closer to him when I saw that he started stirring. I threw my arms over his body and pressed my face to his chest. His heart beating and breath was somewhat soothing for me.

Spencer carefully shifted in his space before pulling my arms off him. I refrained from pouting. The bed shifted as Spencer sat up in the bed, partly bringing the blanket with him. He tossed the blanket back to me, lightly covering me again.

“Do you have to go to work,” I whined as I looked at Spencer as he slid out of my bed. He looked down at me with wide eyes. 

“I thought you were asleep,” he half muttered. I sat up before rubbing my eyes. Sleep? Pfft, I never sleep. He should know that! We just talked about it last night. “And, yes, I have to go to work,” he stood up and turned to look at me. I looked up at him and frowned.

“Nah, I never sleep, we talked about that last night,” I shook my head. Spencer sat at the foot of the bed to put his shoes back on. “I just have a bed to lay in and wallow in self-pity when I’m not at the community center,” I rubbed my nose. I pushed the blanket off me and crawled over to sit beside him. “And when I’m not with you,” I looked up at him.

“You don’t do anything during the week?” He looked over at me with a raised eyebrow. I shrugged and shook my head. “Really?”

“I mean, Wednesdays are really the only days I have stuff. I guess I could do chores and stuff,” I looked towards the door, remembering the mess in my living room, “I know what you’re thinking, I should get a job. But that’s so hard. I don’t have any job experience,” 

“I never said I was thinking that,” Spencer turned to face me. I dropped my shoulders and looked up at him. “How do you-”

“I’m friends with the owner of the building and he knows I live on hard times. And, mom had  _ some  _ money left behind,” I dropped my head so I wasn’t looking at him. 

“I’m not judging you,” he spoke, his tone very insistent. I sighed and nodded. 

“You should go, before you’re late,” I looked back up at him, “I don’t want to be the reason why you’re late. Emily already knows about me. We don’t need the others asking about me. Some random girl you slept with,” I smiled. Spencer looked over at me, trying to hold back his smile.

“You’re not going to stay in bed all day, are you?” He asked, standing up. I looked up at him and shook my head.

“I told you, I can do chores and stuff,” I shrugged and looked around my room, this time at the laundry room. “Will I see you again before next Wednesday?” I asked as I moved closer to the edge of the bed.

“That’ll entirely depend on work,”

“Oh, yeah, that’s right. Agent Spencer,” I smiled at him before standing up. Spencer glared at me for a moment before laughing, “Are you like 007?” I asked leading him back out of my room.

“No, I’m not like James Bond,”


	4. part four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader nearly relapses because of the anniversary of her mother’s passing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one does deal with some heavier topics (see CW's), so please proceed with caution.  
> {***}{***}  
> Content Warning: mentions of death, talks about parent death, relapse, suicide ideation, talks about drug usage and drugs, anxiety/panic attacks, explanations of nightmares/night terrors, swearing, intrusive thoughts

I sat in the living room with my eyes on the coffee table. Several orange pill bottles sat lined up on the edge. The way the light caught the plastic caught me attention, mostly in a bad way. I was already on edge, and my day was already ruined. Any number of things could have made my day bad, but we can easily put the blame on my mother. And, I’m not just saying that because she’s an easy target. No, I’m blaming her because she died a year ago on this very day.

I was hungry, and not for the food in my fridge. No, I was hungry for the high. The high that was dangerous and could likely kill me. Maybe that’s what I wanted. I mean, the only person I have in life to keep me grounded was Spencer… And we’ve only known each other for a few months. What if he’s faking it all? He doesn’t really care about me. He just says he does. Saying stuff I want to hear.

My body was on autopilot as my hand moved towards the bottles. The grip I had on the lid was tight like my life depended on it. Mostly because, in that moment, my life did depend on it. That was until a slip of paper caught my eyes. An unfamiliar handwriting was scribbled across the paper, but a more familiar name was at the bottom. 

_ Just because I’m at work doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about you! Please call me if you need help with anything!  _

_ -Spencer _

I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked at the note. I have no idea when he would have written it and put it there. But it was the exact sort of pick-me-up I needed to stop me from making a stupid mistake. 

I stood up and shoved the paper and bottle of pills in my pocket before making way to the door. My keys and a small stack of quarters sat on the side table beside the door, they ended up in my pocket. 

My feet moved themselves, and I soon appeared at the laundromat down the street. There were a few people there, and I could tell they 

hadn’t been there for very long. I just hope my phone call to Spencer wasn’t too long and they didn’t listen. Although, why would they listen to a random girl’s phone call? They don’t care, they  _ won’t  _ care. 

I quickly made way towards the payphones, going to the furthest one to ensure my own privacy (again, they won’t care). I fished out the quarters as I sat down. It was kind of amazing how quickly I dialed Spencer’s number, and more impressive how fast I remembered it. It was the next number I remembered after my address.

The phone only dialed for a few seconds before he answered.I would have assumed he was busy with work or something. But, I guess, like his note said, even if he was busy, he was thinking about me. I’m pretty sure he was just saying that though.

“Hello, this is Doctor Spencer Reid,” he spoke calmly, like he didn’t know what was happening. Well, that was probably because he had no idea I was on the verge of a breakdown. “Hello?”

“It’s… It’s me… Spencer, Spencer, I…” I swallowed roughly as I stared blankly at the wall in front of me. I could feel my heart beating a million miles an hour and hear the beating in my head. It was nearly deafening. Being alone didn’t help the anxious feeling. “Are you home?” My voice was a light whisper, and I wondered if he even heard me ask. I don’t even know why I asked if he was at home. I knew he was at work. It’s only 3pm. Maybe I was just hoping he’d be home, and he could come over and save the day, make me feel better somehow. How though? I’m not sure. Spencer’s a fix-it type of guy, I’m sure he’ll figure something out.

“I’m still at work. But I should be home soon. Why? Is everything okay? Are you okay?” He asked, his voice heavily laced with concern. It was that moment that I realized he did care about me. 

I closed my eyes and brought my hand to rest over my mouth to muffle any sobs. “Are you okay? I need you to talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.” He asked again when I stayed silent. I let out a deep sigh and shook my head, even though he couldn’t see me.

“I, uhm, I… I want…” I let out another deep sigh, hoping he’d know what I was getting at. “Please don’t make me say it,” I whispered and looked at the counter. My fingers rapidly tapped against the smooth surface. We both knew I had to say it and admit my defeat and the fact that I was sitting in the laundromat, with a bottle of whatever drug I had hidden in my bathroom. “Fuck,” I shouted before slamming the phone down on the hook. The other few people in the laundromat looked at me with caution in their eyes. 

“What?!” I looked at them before I tightly tugged my sweater around my body before storming out of the laundromat. The pill bottle in my pocket rattled with each step I took, and it was getting very difficult to move without wanting to take anything. Tears sprung from my eyes, blurring my vision the longer I was outside.

When I finally made it back to my apartment, I stormed to the bathroom. My reflection scared me. I almost didn’t recognize myself. It was a little horrifying, seeing myself as so unrecognizable. So, I stared at myself, my hand in my pocket, rattling the contents inside.

I scoffed before shaking my head. My hand came out with the bottle, and my eyes looked down at it. My thumb fidgeted with the lid, wanting to pop it off and pour the contents into my mouth. But, instead, I chucked it to the sink, the lid popping off and pills flying everywhere, before I ran to my bedroom.

I pulled the blankets over my body to hide from the world. Tears were rolling down my cheeks and face and I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. That’s a shame too… Nearly two months clean and all I wanted to do was not exist and ruin everything.

{***}{***}{***}

I jumped awake when a very loud banging came on the front door. I looked around my room before swinging my legs off my bed and leaving the room. I dragged my body across my apartment and to the front door, where the banging hadn’t stopped.

I pulled the door open and looked up. Spencer was standing there, looking at me with a frantic expression on his face. I stared at him with wide eyes, my earlier fears and anxieties quickly returning. I had nearly forgotten about calling him too. Damn it.

“You didn’t do anything, did you? You didn’t take anything?” He asked, looking down at me. I took a deep breath and shook my head. I stepped to the side and silently invited him inside. He stepped inside and looked back at me, before looking around my home. He was probably looking for any signs of current drug use. The only real sign was in the bathroom… Where the bathroom had a grenade of pills explode all over the place. We’ll just keep him out of there… For now...

“No, no, I didn’t. I swear I didn’t. I, uh... I took a nap and cried it out,” I rubbed the underside of my nose. I pressed the door shut before turning around to look at him. He was looking at me, he still wore a panicky expression in his eyes and it made me feel sick. He doesn’t believe that I didn’t do anything. I wouldn’t believe me either.

“What happened?” Spencer finally asked as I walked up to him. He opened his arms up and allowed me to hug him. I honestly didn’t want to answer him. Everything about today was already awful, and I just wanted it to be over. “Can you tell me what happened?” He asked after a moment of silence. I let out a deep sigh after he pulled his arms away from me. He noted my deep breath and wrapped his arms back around me. 

I turned my head away from his chest so I could have a coherent sentence. Er, well, as coherent as it could get. “My… It’s the anniversary of… Of my mom's death,” I swallowed roughly. Spencer looked down at me before squeezing me harder. I pressed my face into his chest and shook my head. “And, I just…. Wanted to disappear. I don’t know…” I spoke, my words being muffled into his shirt. One of Spencer’s hands cradled the back of my head while the other held me closer to him. “I didn’t want to be alive in the moment,” I whispered. 

“Don’t say that,” he returned the whisper. His voice vibrated in his chest, and it felt good against my head. The way he squeezed me made me feel safer in the moment. “Please don’t ever say that again,” his voice cracked at the end. I bit my lips together as I started to cry. “Don’t even think like that,” his voice got even lower, probably because he was also crying and he was just trying to mask that fact.

“You don’t get to think that way either,” I looked up at him and furrowed my eyebrows. He looked at me as he remembered when he was gone for a week and how he stood in front of several people with loaded weapons. 

“This isn’t about me… It’s about you,” he whispered, bringing a hand to my face. His thumb brushed away the tear that was rolling down my cheeks, but that was basically useless because I couldn’t stop crying. But it felt good to cry, to be honest. “You’re still young and have so much to live for. Someone has to save you,” he looked down at me, his hand still holding my face. I feared that he was only doing it to make sure I was still here and alive. Which was a weird fear for me to have, and I suppose for him to have. 

“So are you, Spencer,” I whispered as I leaned into his touch more. He swallowed roughly as he kept his eyes on me. His eyes grew glossy the longer he stared at me. “You save everyone… But who saves you from you?” I furrowed my eyebrows. Spencer sighed deeply before hugging me again. 

“You do,” his whisper was hardly audible, so I was happy I heard his words. I wasn’t so sure what he meant by that. I mean, obviously, I was the thing that kept him sane while he was home. I don’t exactly know  _ how  _ I save him though. So, I was unsure as to why he told me that. “It’s just been difficult for me recently. But, I’m working on getting better,” he spoke softly. And, I swear he said ‘for you’, but it was so quiet I couldn’t be sure. Even if he did say it, I’m sure I wasn’t supposed to hear it.

We stayed silent for a while, and we just stood in each other’s arms for even longer. Being in his embrace made me feel safe, and I know I said that earlier. But it’s true. I wonder if he felt the same.

“You alright?” Spencer looked up at me. I looked down at our hands and nodded. “You look like you haven’t slept in a couple of days,” he spoke, his tone was soft and gentle. I could tell that he really cared and was trying really hard not to sound mean. I didn’t mean to take it to heart the way I did, but I did.

“Not really,” I grumbled and looked down at the ground. I shrugged and quickly glanced at him. He was looking at me with an apologetic look on his face, silently telling me that he was sorry for suddenly offending me. I shrugged it off like it was nothing. It wouldn’t be the first or last time someone offended me over something so…  _ small  _ and unimportant. He shouldn’t be sorry, it’s my own fault. He was just asking if I was alright.

“The last few days have been rough for me, ya know? Especially with this whole thing,” I sighed deeply and shrugged again.

“If I stay here, will you promise to get some rest,” Spencer offered, grasping both my hands. I looked at our hands with a dullness in my eyes. I was beginning to zone out because of how tired I was getting. Spencer lifted a hand and gently rubbed my shoulder. I sighed and looked down before looking up at his face.

“I’m having nightmares, and they’re really realistic… That’s why I’m losing sleep,” I whispered. Spencer looked at me before pulling me into a hug. “And they’re about everything. Me, my mom, you, drugs, dying, death… I don’t know,” I mumbled into his chest. I pressed my chin into his chest and looked up at him. Spencer looked down at me with a smile on his lips. We were really close to each other’s face, and I know he noticed that too. “I like when you spend the night,” I noted, changing the subject to something  _ lighter _ , even though it was that much lighter. 

“Really?” he asked, raising an eyebrow and smiling lightly. I nodded and returned the smile, “Why’s that?”

“Because then I’m not lonely, and left with my thoughts,” I whispered as I stared at him. I’ve never noticed how pretty his eyes are, with their golden and greeny color. He looked at me like he saw something, but I was clueless about what he saw. “And, whenever I’m with you, I feel safe and at home, in some weird way. I’m sorry. I don’t know. The exhaustion is starting to hit me now that you pointed it out,” I sat back away from him. I pressed my hands into my face and shook my head. “I just never sleep anymore and I’m honestly used to it at this point. But I’m tired all the damn time,” 

“I’ll be here, you can rest. You don’t have to worry about anything hurting you,” he whispered before wrapping an arm around my body. I looked up at him and nodded. “Let’s lie down?” he asked softly. I nodded before going to walk to my bedroom. Before I even got the chance to step a foot away from him, Spencer picked me up and carried me. I looked at his face and furrowed my eyebrows. “I’m fully capable of walking, you know,” 

“I know,” Spencer smiled as he readjusted his hold on me. He was carrying me like a backpack, but on his front instead of his back. “But you’re tired,” he hummed as he held me tightly.

“Yeah, I am,” I looked at him with a smile. Spencer laughed at me and shook his head. Our faces were close again, closer than before. And, for some reason, I really wanted to kiss him. Which, again, is weird. He’s my best friend… And I want to fucking kiss him. It just felt like the perfect moment for us to kiss. But, I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I can’t lose the one thing that’s keeping me grounded. And he can’t lose the thing keeping him grounded.

Spencer carefully kicked my bedroom door open and walked in. He laid me down on one side of the bed before going to the other side. The blanket was pulled over both our bodies and Spencer was close to me.

“Please get some sleep,” he whispered, brushing hair away from my face. I looked up at him and nodded. “Do you want me to rub your back?” 

“I knew there was a reason I kept you around,” I laughed before rolling onto my stomach. “My bestest friend ever,” I hummed as he started running his hand along my back.

“Aren’t I your only friend?” Spencer joked lightly.

“Ah, not only that. My bestest friend,” I looked up at him and smiled. Spencer shook his head before brushing his fingers across my eyelids, somehow getting me to close my eyes. 

“Go to sleep,” he whispered. I giggled and nodded before moving closer to him. Spencer returned the laughter before wrapping an arm over me. 

{***}{***}{***}

I wrinkled my nose as I noticed a weight across my body. It wasn’t like an emotional weight, like I’ve been so used to waking up to recently. No, there was something actually on top of me while I was asleep. So, when I opened my eyes, I wasn’t too surprised when I saw something on me. However, I was more surprised that it was another person. That’s right, Spencer stayed the night.

His arm was strewn across my torso, and his legs were entwined with mine. His head was resting on the same pillow as me. The way he slept so soundly and restfully made me mildly jealous. How come he gets to sleep so peacefully and I don’t?

I hope he was as peaceful as I thought. There was probably not a bad thing he was dreaming about. Unfortunately for me, I was freaking out because I dreamt that I watched my best friend being killed.

I laid back, pressing my head into the pillow before turning to look at Spencer. His nose twitched as he stirred lightly before hugging me tighter. I held my breath, worried that my breathing would wake up. But, it didn’t. There was no need for worry. He must be having a good dream with all the humming and hugging he was doing. 

I looked at his face, mesmerized by the way he slept so soundly. The way his eyelashes pressed against his cheeks, and freckles dotted the bridge of his nose. His lips pouty and slightly parted. I didn’t even realize he was awake and I was staring till he said something.

“Hey,” he murmured, pulling me closer before nuzzling into me more. I smiled softly as I looked up at him again. “You don’t have to go to the bathroom, do you?” he hummed as he closed his eyes again. 

“No, I don’t,” I replied back, giving up on any chances of getting up. We might be here for a while, so there’s probably no point in getting out of bed with Spencer holding me hostage. 

“Mmm, good,” he opened his eyes and looked down at me. The tired smile on his lips made me feel warm and safe as I looked at him. “How long have you been awake?” he asked, his thumb rubbing circles on my shoulder.

“Not long,” I whispered, looking right at his eyes. He looked back at me and nodded. “How did you sleep,”

“I think that was the best sleep I’ve had in a very long time,” he closed his eyes again, “Something about your bed is very comfortable,” he looked down at me and smiled. 

_ “Is it the bed or is it because you’re sleeping with someone to cuddle with?”  _ I asked myself as I stared at him. “I’m happy you find my bed comfortable,” I laughed lightly. My bed is  _ not  _ comfortable. So I know he didn’t find it that comfortable.

“How did you sleep?” he asked, placing a hand on my cheek. I swallowed roughly as I stared at him. 

“Better than the previous night,” I shrugged a little bit. Spencer frowned as he readjusted his hold on me. “Let’s make breakfast,” I spoke out loud before sitting up, pushing his arms off me. 

“Breakfast?” 

“Yeah,” I smiled as I slipped out of bed and grasped his hand to pull him out of bed. He grumbled before standing out of the bed. I smiled at him before practically skipping out of the bedroom. “I’m sure I have something!” I spoke out loud, knowing I have  _ nothing much  _ for breakfast.

I went right to the kitchen, instantly eyeing up the loaf of bread that was probably a little stale. I grabbed it and opened the fridge, happy to see a carton of eggs. And with that, I made eggs in a basket. I hope that Spencer would enjoy that. Considering it was one of the only things I knew how to make.

“Coffee?” Spencer asked as he slowly walked into the kitchen. I turned around and pulled open a cabinet. A can of Folgers was sitting on the top shelf. I pouted as I stared at the can.

“I don’t think it’s good,” I muttered as I pulled the can from the shelf. “I probably had this stupid can of grounds for an embarrassingly long time.” I spoke as I looked into the can and noted that the grounds were kinda gross and kinda clumpy, causing me to pout. “No coffee,” I muttered, tossing the can to the garbage, only to miss and go over. The can landed with a clang on the ground. 

“We can always get some later,” Spencer smiled as he bent over to pick up the can. I raised my eyebrow at him as he tossed the can to the trash, without failing.

“ _ We _ ?” I asked, turning to watch him lean against the counter. He shrugged and smiled.

“Why not,” he shrugged again. I smiled as I looked at him. It was only then that I realized  _ I was burning the food. _

“Oh no!” I jumped around to the stove to remove the pan from the stove. “I hope you’re okay with burnt eggs and toast,” I pouted as I looked back at Spencer. He had stepped closer to the stovetop to watch me. He looked very amused with my laughter and urgency with cooking. “Don’t laugh!” I looked up at his face.

“I just don’t think I’ve ever seen you panic over food before,” he pointed out with a smile. I looked down at the burnt food as I carefully moved it to a plate.

“I’m hungry,” I muttered before shrugging. I looked back up at Spencer and shrugged.

“That’s a good thing…” 

“Being hungry? How is that a good thing?” I scoffed and raised an eyebrow.

“You have your appetite back,” Spencer pointed before he lifted me up to set me back down on the counter. It was so effortless as he moved me. I was impressed that he barely strained to lift me (unless, he did and I was just oblivious to it). We were at the same level now, and I was able to look him in the eye instead of at his chest. 

“Why’d you do that?” I looked at him before looking at the counter beside me. 

“So we can have an eye to eye conversation,” he smiled at me. I rolled my eyes and looked down at the plate of two burnt eggs in a basket. “Can I ask you a question?” he asked, watching as I started picking at the food. He smiled as he stood between my legs. 

“You just did,” I smiled, trying to pretend like I wasn’t suddenly anxious. Why ask someone if you can ask a question? Why not just  _ ask  _ the question? That’s like #1 reason why people get anxious. 

“I want to take you to the office, so you can meet everyone,” he whispered as he grabbed some food too. I looked up at him with wide eyes.

“You want to take me… To the FBI…” I stared at Spencer. I almost relapsed  _ yesterday  _ and had the worst day of the year yesterday... And, he wants to take me to… The FBI to meet his friends… I could feel bile rising from my stomach. It honestly took everything in me to hold back the sick. So, I slowly lowered my hand and food back to the counter.

“Yeah, they’re my family, and you’re my family… So, that also makes them yours,” Spencer smiled at me. I dropped my shoulders as I stared at him. I really didn’t want to argue his logic there, but I understand  _ why  _ he said that. 

“Won’t… They’ll… Spencer, that’s… I don’t think that's a good… They’ll ask how you know me,” I whispered as I looked away from him. He rested a hand on my knee and looked at my face.

“We won’t worry about that right now,” he whispered in a reassuring tone. I stared at him and shrugged.

“What’ll we tell them? When they ask, ya know?” I looked up at him. Spencer stayed silent as he looked around my kitchen. I could only assume he was thinking really hard about what we would say and how we would lie to his  _ family _ . 

“I’m not sure,” Spencer shrugged as he grasped my hands. I looked down at our hands and felt a frown forming. “I don’t know,” he whispered and shook his head. It was obvious for both of us that we would have a hard time being around his friends. Everything about telling a bunch of FBI agents that you’re addicted/was addicted to drugs can be a little (alright, a lot) intimidating. What are they going to do? The worst thing is they arrest me and fire Spencer. “Don’t overthink it,” he looked up at me. I nodded.

“I just won’t think about it,” I forced a smile before shrugging. Spencer gave me a knowing smile. “If they’re your family, Spencer, then they’re my family,” I sighed deeply as I looked down at my legs. I pulled my hands from his before rubbing my hands up and down my thighs. “And, I’d love to meet your family,” I sighed even deeper as I looked up at him. His face lit up a little bit with my words, and it genuinely made me feel happy. 

“You’ll love them,” he whispered before pulling me off the counter. I wrinkled my nose before looking up at him.

“I mean, I’ve already met Emily. And, she seemed definitely cool,” I laughed as I grabbed the plate. I looked at the two burnt pieces of bread. I tossed them into the trash and looked up at him. “I just hope everyone else is just as cool as she is, and even as cool as you,” I cocked my head as I looked up at him. He stayed silent before pulling me into a hug. “When would you even want me to go?” I asked once he released me. My stomach felt upside-down as I asked my stupid question.   
“Whenever you want,” he spoke softly. I looked down at the ground and nodded.

“I should let you get to work. I know you don’t like being late,” I pouted, “I’ll see you later?” 

“Of course,” Spencer smiled before hugging me again.


	5. part five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader goes to the BAU offices to meet the rest of the team, where they find out how Spencer met her. And reader and Emily have a heart to heart about her life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warnings: swearing, mentions of drug use, mentions of narcotics anonymous, anxiety, comments about someone’s weight (for like a quick second), mentions of smoking (cigarettes)

A white and blue plastic tag was clipped to my nicest shirt. The word ‘VISITOR’ was printed in bright red at the bottom. I glanced at Spencer, feeling my anxiety start to rise in my stomach and up my throat. He seemed different here. I supposed he had to be different here because it was, indeed, his job. He had to pretend to not be a drug addict, and going through tough shit in life with some girl he met at NA. 

“Can we get lunch after?” I looked up at him as we stepped onto the elevator. Spencer was close beside me and it was nice having his presence so close to me. “Or coffee or something?” I looked back at the doors of the elevator. The lighting was more of a crispy white light, and I’m sure the rest of this building has this bright and blinding light.

“Of course… My treat since I brought you out here,” Spencer looked back down at me. He lifted an arm and wrapped it around back in a weird side hug. I swallowed and nodded before looking at the ground. 

“Do you know what we’re going to tell them?” I looked back up at him. And before he got the chance to answer, the elevator stopped and the doors slid open. I dropped my shoulders and looked at the now open doors.

Spencer looked down at me with an apologetic look in his eye. He slowly lifted his hand, offering it to me to hold as some sort of comfort. I stared at it for a moment before grasping it. I looked up at his face and forced a smile, silently telling him that we could move. The lobby was very open and large. A large glass window/door showed a series of desks and a few offices. And hallways led off of either side of the door to _more_ offices. 

“We can stop at my desk first before we go see anyone,” Spencer whispered as we walked towards the doors. I looked back up at him and nodded. “Are you okay?” his voice filled with genuine worry.

“Yeah,” I mumbled and stayed close beside him. I wouldn’t dare tell him that I was scared shitless because then he’d feel bad for taking me here. And I don’t want him to feel bad because this was my decision to come here. He wanted me to meet his friends and family. In fact, I _wanted_ to meet his friends and family. 

The expression on his face told me that he was worried. So, me trying to not make him feel bad wasn’t working out. I guess if I pretended like everything was okay and faked it all, he’d be okay. Spencer’s a smart man, he knows how to read people (I mean, that _is basically_ his job). To be fair, I’ve never exactly imagined stepping foot in a government facility while I struggled with drugs. And, maybe the anxiety I was feeling wasn’t from meeting actual FBI agents, but instead, it was withdrawal...

“I didn’t know you played chess” I looked at the small chessboard on the desk we were walking towards. I only assumed it was his, it just had a vibe that suited him. “My mom showed me how to play when I was 12, but… It’s been a while since I last played,” I shrugged as I watched him collect a few things from his desk. They were a few beige/brown colored folders and books. I wondered what was in the folders, but it was probably _classified_ information that a normal citizen, like me, wasn’t allowed to see. 

“Yeah, my mom taught me when I was younger. This was given to me by an old friend that I used to play with,” he looked at the set before moving a piece, “Keeps me busy when I’m bored,” he looked back at me and smiled. Something told me that he played fairly often when they weren’t working.

“You’ll have to reteach me how to play,” I shrugged, watching as he put everything in his bag. I looked around the office and noted just how many FBI agents were around, and I was starting to feel a certain anxiety rise in my stomach. No, no, this was definitely anxiety from being in an FBI facility, because of the illegally obtained drugs. Maybe a little bit of it was from the withdrawal.

“Okay, I’ll give you the tour then everyone should be up there,” he looked down at his watch before looking up at a room separated from the desks and other offices. 

“Sounds good,” I whispered. He walked beside me, bringing me back out of the room with the desks. A small shiver went through my body as we left the room. Spencer glanced down at me before wrapping an arm around my body, holding me close to him.

He brought me down one hall, showing me to the bathrooms and his friends' offices. There were a few other boring offices before he brought me down the opposing hall. There wasn’t much other than _more_ offices, but at the end of the hall, was another office owned by one of his friends. 

“She has other things to do so she won’t be joining us in the conference room,” Spencer spoke before knocking on the door. A faint, but cheery, ‘Come in’ came from the other side. Spencer looked back at me before opening up the door. “I promise you’ll like her,” he whispered before entering the room. I stayed close behind him, kinda hiding myself from the other human.

“What can I do ya for, Reid,” a woman asked, her tone filled with playful sarcasm. I bit back my lips and kept my eyes on my back. At least she sounded nice… “Wait, I thought you had the day off,” 

“Just came by to grab a few things. And I brought a special guest,” Spencer spoke as he reached behind him. I looked down at his hand before gently placing my hand in it. His fingers wrapped around mine and he carefully pulled me around to stand beside him. “This is Penelope Garcia,” he looked down at me with a smile. Penelope stood up from her chair to look at me. Spencer looked back at the woman and smiled before introducing me.

“Oh! You’re Reid’s friend! I’ve heard so much about you!” Penelope exclaimed as she pulled me into a hug. I froze as she embraced me, and I wanted nothing more than for Spencer to just pull me away from this situation. 

“You’ve… You’ve heard so much about me?” I asked, mostly to myself. What exactly did Spencer tell his friends about me? I guess I just assumed he didn’t talk about me at all. I looked up at Spencer with a raised eyebrow. I’m sure my expression told him that I was worried about everything she knows about me. 

“Goodness! You’re so skinny!” She added as she stepped away from me. I stared at her with wide eyes as I stepped further away from her and to stand closer to Spencer. Spencer looked at her with a raised eyebrow, silently telling her something. 

_“Yeah it’s probably bc of my shitty life,”_ I thought to myself, “It’s nice meeting you,” I looked at her and smiled. My smile was very forced and felt very fake. Spencer knew that, and Penelope knew that. 

“If you ever need anything, anything at all, please feel free to call me. Even if it’s just to hang out,” she smiled at me. I swallowed roughly and nodded. “I know it can get pretty lonely while they’re working a case,” Penelope looked over at Spencer with a smile. I stared at her with wide eyes as I tried to figure this woman out.

“I’ll have to keep that in mind,” I nervously smile at her. Spencer glanced down at me as Penelope started talking about _something._ My anxiety was entirely too high to actually know what the fuck she was actually talking about. Could have been anything, honestly. But, from the basic gist that I was getting, she was just asking me a million questions and Spencer was answering them. But, the one question we both avoided was ‘So, how did you meet our precious Boy Wonder?’, like we were in some sort of relationship, even though we were just really good friends. It still scared me though, mostly because we’ll have to answer that question in a matter of minutes.

“Well, I think the others are in the conference room,” Spencer looked down at me as he wrapped an arm around my shoulder. I looked up at him and faked a smile before looking over at Penelope. 

“It was nice meeting you, Penelope,” I made sure to keep my fake smile on my lips as I looked at her. She dropped her shoulders before going to give me another hug, which I accepted even though I didn’t really want to hug.

“It was so nice meeting you too! I hope we can hang out! And I hope I can see you again soon,” she placed her hands on my shoulders and smiled. I looked up at Spencer and smiled softly. The smile Penelope gave Spencer was awfully cheery smile before she actually allowed us to leave. 

I glanced up at Spencer once we were in the hallway and away from Penelope’s office. 

“I’m… I’m sorry for her,” he whispered as he grabbed my hand. I raised an eyebrow and shrugged.

“It’s okay, I think,” my voice was even lower than his. The uncertainty in my tone caused Spencer to look down at me. I didn’t want to tell him that Penelope was overwhelming, while we were still in the building with hundreds of FBI agents. “Just as long as everyone else is chill and they don’t ask a million questions,” I looked at him with a shy smile.

“They’ll probably ask a bunch of questions, but not a million miles an hour,” Spencer laughed lightly. The closer we got to the main office areas, the more anxious and nervous I got. I mean, I was already nervous, but this was just making it worse. It was incredibly hard not to go into autopilot mode and just fake my way through the whole interaction. But then they’d know something was wrong with me. I’m sure the pure exhaustion on my face, the skinniness of my body, and the weird mood I was already in were all good signs of something being wrong with me. Maybe they won’t question it all to my face? 

“Do you know how you’ll answer _the_ thousand dollar question? The one that I worry about the most?” I kept my voice low because I didn’t want a stray agent to hear my question and Spencer’s answer of ‘Oh, I was just going to tell them we met at narcotics anonymous,’. Because I just know he’s going to tell them that.

Unfortunately for me, Spencer didn’t actually answer my question. He just stayed quiet. Which caused me to have a mild heart attack as we walked back into the main office area and up a small staircase. It wasn’t until we were at a door that he answered me. 

He turned and faced me, a slight worried look in his eye. I couldn’t exactly tell what it was about though. So, that’s when my mind started running wild with all the worst possibilities. What if he already told them? And this isn’t him bringing me to meet his team, his friends, _his family_. No, this is him bringing me in, to go to jail. He’s been lying to me this whole time… Shit, fuck, shit… I don’t know what to do. 

Spencer must have seen something, my sudden fear, flash in my eyes. Part of me wanted to turn and run, but that’d cause too much of a scene. I’d probably have more Federal Agents on me than behind this stupid door. Whatever. 

My body partly turned, and I could feel my legs wanting to move, but I was honestly paralyzed. Spencer lifted a hand and rested it on my shoulder, stopping me from moving any further. His touch was _very_ gentle, and I stopped all movement there. I nearly had to convince myself to actually breathe and blink. 

“It’s okay. There’s no reason to be scared…” he whispered as he pulled his hand from me. I swallowed roughly as I looked at him. My heart was going a million miles a second, and it just wouldn’t slow. “I was… I was just thinking… We should just tell them,” his voice, just like his touch, was gentle. Don’t fall for this. There’s still a chance that he was lying, that this was all a ruse. Well, wait… Why else would he want to tell them…

“You think… you… You _want_ to tell them? Spencer, I,” I stopped talking and swallowed roughly, feeling my anxiety go higher and higher as the time passed, “I’ve barely been clean for 2 months, Spencer. You know I almost… And you… You want to _tell_ them that you met someone at Narcotics Anonymous… Where people go… when they’re addicted to drugs… because you’re… I don’t think that’s a good-”

“Trust me. Can you do that? They won’t be mad. I think they’ll be happy that I have friends outside of work, and that I’m getting the help I need. And, that you’re getting the help _you_ need. Two months is a big accomplishment. Even if you were clean for a day… That’d be a big accomplishment. But this is the first time you’ve made it this before,” Spencer whispered, a soothing and warm smile on his lips. I couldn’t help but return the smile, trying to hide my face from him as a very sudden embarrassment took over. “You don’t even have to tell them where we met. I’ll do it,” he whispered before grasping my hand again. I swallowed roughly and nodded.

“Okay, okay,” I looked down at the ground and nodded. 

“Ready?” his voice still a whisper. I looked up at him and nodded.

“Now or never, I suppose,” I shrugged. Spencer looked at my face, a worried crease in his eyebrows and in his eyes. He slowly turned to the door to open in it. It was taking everything in me to calm myself down, and to convince myself that I was not going to be arrested. 

Spencer pushed the door open and led me into the office. The least he could have done was warn about how many people would be on the other side of the door. I thought I was freaking out before. But standing in front of me were 4 other Federal Agents, and standing beside me was another. This was bad… This was _really_ bad.

“This is Jennifer, Derek, and Aaron,” Spencer spoke, gesturing towards each person, “And of course you’ve met Emily,” he looked towards Emily. I smiled at each of them and nodded as Spencer gave them my name. “Where’s Gideon?” 

“Office. Should be up in a minute,” Aaron looked up from his folder and at Spencer and me, “It’s nice meeting you,” he looked right at me and nodded. I stared at him and nodded lightly.

“Where did you two meet,” Jennifer looked at me as she walked around the table to stand in front of me and Spencer. I froze like “I was in a freezer” froze. “A deer in headlights” froze. I slowly looked up at Spencer with my eyebrows raised.

“Yeah, where does my man, Spencer Reid, meet a girl like you,” Derek then asked as he leaned against the table. His eyes looked up and down at me, checking me out… Or was he looking for something out of the ordinary? I could feel my breathing stop, yet simultaneously picking up. 

“I actually… We met at Narcotics Anonymous,” Spencer’s voice was real low, so quiet as he spoke. The air in the room got tense, so tense that it was suffocating. Everyone looked at Spencer, and just Spencer, with shock on their faces. For the first time since I entered this building, I felt invisible. Which, I guess, was good. But bad at the same time. Because, if I’m invisible to them right now, that means a high beam is on Spencer and shit could go down. 

“Reid,” Derek started but stopped when Spencer looked at him, silently telling him to stop. The grip Spencer had on my hand tightened, and it scared me. Mostly because he probably realized that this was a mistake and he’s scared now. Which, in turn, only scared me more.

“We’re both clean. I swear, we’re both clean,” he looked back at everyone. I knew he was lying, but I think that’s okay that I was the only one who knew he was lying. Granted, he was doing everything he could to get better, but… I understand being stressed, or anxious, or scared, and wanting to just _turn_ to a weakness that could kill you. Last week, for instance… I got scared of _nothing_ and almost made a big mistake. “I know I should have said something sooner, told you the truth instead of keeping it from you. But…”

“Spence,” Jennifer looked over at Spencer with wide eyes. She stepped away from the table before hugging him, hard. I looked at the pair hugging, wishing I had someone like that to hug me when they find out I’m going through a “rough time”. “I wish we knew… We could have… We would have helped,” she stepped away from him, resting her hands on his shoulders. I looked at her before looking down at the ground. 

“I’m… I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” I muttered before quickly rushing away from the others. More words would be exchanged between Spencer and his co-workers, his friends, _his_ _family_. A family I don’t have and will probably never have. Whatever… Whatever, I’m happy he’ll have a great support system.

Once I found my way to the bathroom, I locked myself in a stall and could feel myself begin to hyperventilate. Tears were streaming down my cheeks, and my hands quickly went to my face to hide from the world. Although, I was hiding in my own world, behind the bathroom doors, in a small stall. 

My world wasn’t necessarily collapsing around me, but it felt like that. My head spun and my chest felt like it was going to explode. This sudden anxiety attack wasn’t something I was 100% expecting to happen. Although, the anxiety I was feeling beforehand was probably just building up, and I was just pushed to the edge before I broke down.

“Are you alright in here?” A familiar voice asked from outside the stall. I froze before wiping my nose. It was hard being silent, pretending like I didn’t exist. “I know you’re in here. You told us you were going to the bathroom, and I heard you sniffling just a moment ago,” she continued with a small chuckle. I looked down at the ground before standing up and pushing out of the stall. 

Emily was standing against the counter, leaning right in front of where the door was. She looked at me with a distressed look on her face. Shit, they got Spencer, and now they’re going to get me… I glanced at the door, before looking back at Emily. I could feel my body moving before I gave it the okay. My feet going quick towards the door.

“I’m not going to arrest you,” Emily quickly said as she stepped in front of me to stop me from running away, “And, we’re not going to arrest Spencer either,” she laughed lightly as she looked down at me. I looked up at her with wide eyes. “You can calm down. I promise. I’m just making sure you’re okay… You’d been in here for a while, and Spencer was worried about you,” she calmly explained as she rested a hand on my shoulder. I looked at her before nodding lightly. 

“You’re… You’re not just saying that?” I whispered, keeping my eyes on her. Because surely if I looked away from her, she’d do something I didn’t want happening. 

“I promise you, I’m not just saying that,” she reassured. I nodded and looked at the ground, “Are you okay?” She actually asked, pulling her hands away from my body.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” I nodded as I cautiously looked up at her. She raised an eyebrow, silently telling me that she knew I was lying. I looked back at the ground and shrugged. “What?”

“I’ve been in this line of work long enough to know when people are lying… And to know when people are not okay,” she whispered, her voice so soft and gentle. She was genuinely concerned about me. I’ve only met her once before, and she seemed very nice. 

“I’m not okay,” I whispered as I looked at her. I don’t remember the last time I was honest with someone about my feelings. 90% of the time I lie at meetings because I don’t want a bunch of actual crackheads knowing that I’m depressed. “I think… I think seeing Spencer with everyone… And everyone being supportive…” I started but allowed my words to trail off, mostly because I didn’t really want to say I was jealous of my best friend. 

“Oh, I see,” Emily whispered as she leaned against the counter in front of me. I looked at her before looking down at the ground, then over at the door, then back at the ground. 

“Yeah, I’ve never really had a support system like he does, now, and…” I sighed deeply and looked up at her again, “I just have Spencer, and that’s a little hard when we’re both trying… To… Ya know,” I whispered and shrugged. 

“Well, I don’t know if Spencer told you this… But, any friend or family of his is a friend or family of the team. I know we’ve only met once before, but I’d gladly be a support team for you,” she whispered, and I honestly couldn’t tell if she was just telling me what I wanted to hear. But part of me knew she was telling the truth.

“You guys aren’t, like, mad or anything that Spencer was doing drugs? Or like... That he made friends with a dru-recovering drug addict,” I looked up at her, very cautiously. 

“We’re just happy he, and you, are getting the help you both need. We all just surprised he kept it to himself for as long as he did,” she explained. I nodded and looked down at the ground.

“And, like… He’s not going to get fired, is he? He said it wasn’t his fault that this happened,” I sighed as I looked at her. 

“Spencer’s not going to lose his job. He’s too loved and too much of an asset,” she laughed lightly. I returned the laughter and nodded.

“Yeah, yeah, he’s pretty smart…” I rubbed the underside of my nose and shrugged, “The first time we kinda hung out… He kept telling me that smoking can take 6 minutes of your life away to get me to stop,” 

“Did it work?” Emily asked, a playful chuckle in her tone. I laughed and nodded.

“Kinda. I mean… I smoke every so often, but not as much as I used to,” I sighed as I looked up at her, “I still do it when he isn’t around. But when he’s around I forget things… Like… The shit hand I was dealt. Ya know? Like, he gives me something else to think about,” I furrowed my eyebrows as I spoke. Emily cocked her head to her shoulder and looked up at my face. I looked at her, feeling my face relax.

“Like what?” She asked, a smile slowly growing on my lips. She returned the smile, kinda knowing what I meant. “It’s okay. You don’t have to say. We should probably go back out there, don’t you think? They might be looking for us,” she laughed and gestured towards the door. I looked towards the door one last time. 

“Yeah, yeah,” I nodded before stepping closer to the door, “Spencer said something earlier about lunch, and I’m starved.” I laughed and walked beside Emily.

“Where were you guys going?” 

“I’m not sure, do you know of any good places,” I looked over at her. She thought for a moment and cocked her head.

“There’s a really good deli down the street, I’m sure Spencer would love it there. They serve coffee and I’m sure you know how he feels about coffee,” She chuckled lightly.

“Whenever he stays at my apartment, he always insists we get coffee because I don’t have any,” I shook my head before laughing. Emily nearly cackled and nodded.

“Sounds like him,”

“What are you two laughing about,” Spencer looked over at Emily and I as we re-entered the conference room. I looked over at him with a smile. 

“Uh, lunch,” 


	6. part six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spencer and the team plan a dinner party to celebrate Reader’s 6-month anniversary of being clean. Reader and Spencer make a risky decision that could hurt their friendship

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: swearing, talk about and allusions to sex, making out, mentions of dying, mentions of drug use (Dialiludid and Oxycodone), withdrawal and symptoms of withdrawal, attending narcotics anonymous, struggling with sobriety, mildly ooc spencer
> 
> this part has been rated pg13-T for the talks about and allusions of sex. please proceed with caution.

"Six months," I looked down at the token in hand. My eyes stayed glued to it for what seemed like an eternity, only looking away when there was a knock on the door. It wasn’t for 6 months, though, it was still my 5-month token. We’d be going to get my 6-month chip in a little bit...

"I hope you're not doing something stupid in there!" Spencer spoke on the other side of the door. I smiled before pulling the door open. He was leaning beside the door, waiting for me to leave. “I thought you’d never leave,” he looked over at me with a smile. I stepped more out of the bathroom and looked up at him. 

“Nope, just going to the bathroom,” I lied, but still kept a smile on my lips. I try not to lie to Spencer, but for some reason, this one was different. If I had it my way, I would keep myself locked in the bathroom, and never having to leave again. “Do you have to go? It’s free now,” I gestured towards the door. Spencer looked down at me with a raised eyebrow. “Although, I’d give it a minute…” I looked down at the ground and shrugged.

“Are you okay?” He asked, following beside me as I walked towards his bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed and looked up at him as he stood right in front of me. "Six months, that's quite the achievement,” he whispered as he sat beside me.

“I’m just nervous… That’s all,” I shrugged as I looked over at him, “I already want the day to be over… Is that bad to say?” I rested my head on his shoulder after I leaned on him. 

“No, I don’t think so,” Spencer shook his head, “I think it’s totally valid. This is the first time that you’ve made it to such a big accomplishment… It’s exciting, it’s nerve-wracking…” he whispered. 

“I think it’s more than nerve-wracking…” my voice was hardly a whisper. “We should go. The faster we go, the faster we can get this over with,” I looked up at him and shrugged. 

“We should get going. It’s a very important meeting for you today. Gotta get that coin,” Spencer laughed, before standing up. I sighed deeply before standing up. I rolled my eyes. “It’ll be over faster than you think it will,” he wrapped his arm around me as he walked me outside. The weather drastically changed over the last six months, I’ve forgotten how nice Maryland can be when it’s not cold and snowy. And, as soon as we stepped outside, a warm breeze brushed across my skin and through my hair. I smiled, relaxing my shoulders slightly.

“It’s so nice out,” I looked up at Spencer and smiled. He returned the expression and looked around the street.

“Yeah, it is nice, isn’t it?” he looked back down at me with a soft smile. 

“We should go to the Washington Monument! I want to see the cherry blossoms! I’m sure they’re nice and bloomed and super pretty,” I suggested, hoping he’d want to go.

“I mean, if I have time. We have cases coming in left and right,” Spencer replied, making me feel sadder. I pouted.

“Yeah, that’s right. I guess I’ll just have to go,” I looked up at him with a sly smile.

“And, you’ll have to take lots of photos for me,” he smiled at me again. I rolled my eyes before tucking myself closer into his side.

{***}{***}{***} 

“I’m taking you out, come on,” Spencer grabbed my hand to pull me to my feet. I looked up at him and furrowed my eyebrows.

“What? Why?” I spoke, still staying on the couch. But, when he did finally get me on my feet, I yelped and fell into his body. Spencer wrapped his arms around my body to keep me steady. “We just got back!” I looked up as I tried to escape his grip.

“Because… You’re six months clean and that’s something worth celebrating,” he smiled as he looked down at me. “And, you deserve to be celebrated,” he whispered before poking my nose. I wrinkled my face and stuck my tongue out. “Please, for me?” he added. I dropped my shoulders. See, that’s not fair. He knows I’d do anything for him. And, if anything includes going out to celebrate something, then I guess I’ll have to do it.

“Okay, fine. You win. We can go out. But I don’t have anything nice to wear,” I spoke as I stepped away from Spencer’s embrace and towards his bedroom. I’ve basically moved into his place sometime over the last 6 months. So it could be our bedroom. But, it's an unofficial move in. I still have my shit in my shit apartment. “Granted, I don’t have much clothing here,” I looked back over at him and shrugged. It was just something to be planted in his head, maybe he’ll offer me to move in with him. Or maybe not. He’ll probably say that it isn’t very smart, me living with him. 

“I guess it’s a good thing that there’s something in the bedroom for you,” Spencer smiled as he dropped his head to his shoulder. I raised an eyebrow before looking into his room. “Jennifer and Penelope helped pick it out,” his voice followed me as I entered the room. 

“You didn’t have to get me this, Spencer,” I looked at him, awe in my eyes as I looked between him and the very nice dress that was laid out on his bed. It was a nice, black modest dress. I honestly probably wouldn’t wear it out much. But if he takes me out to celebrate big milestones, then I’ll have an excuse to wear it.

“Of course I did. You should get to wear something nice on such a big night out. You get changed, I have to make a phone call real quick.” Spencer smiled at me before leaving me alone in his bedroom. I looked back down at the dress and sighed deeply before changing out of my dingy sweater and jeans and into the dress. I looked down at my body before slowly leaving the room.

“I hate this,” I looked at Spencer, who was sitting on the couch, reading a book while he waited for me to finish getting dressed. He was quick to stand, nearly dropping his book to the ground as he looked at me. “Whaddya think?” I smiled at him before looking down at the dress. I moved my hips so the skirt swayed. 

“You look… It looks good,” Spencer looked up at me with a smile. I looked back up at him for a brief moment, only to look away. I could feel a heat grow on my cheeks as I walked towards him. “Oh, uh… Are you ready?” He watched as I grabbed for a sweater he let me borrow. 

“Only if you are, you’re the one who planned this whole thing. I was fine just staying home,” I shrugged as I followed beside him. I didn’t want to argue with him on this one, though. He wanted to do something special for me, because this was a big milestone. And, it’s the first time I’ve ever made it to 6 months. Hopefully, it’s the only time I make it this far. But, who knows, bad things happen to good people. 

“I’m not going to be embarrassed, am I?” I looked up at Spencer as we walked out of his apartment. He grasped my hand as he led me out of the building.

“No, you… You shouldn’t be embarrassed,” Spencer furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head. I don’t know why, but all I could think about was going to a restaurant on my birthday when I was younger… And, you know how the waiters and waitresses would crowd around and sing you their lame version of happy birthday, while forcing you to wear a hat that dozens of other people have worn… Their stupid birthday schtick? Remember? Ah, those were the good times, when Mom wasn’t out of her mind. But, I don’t think Spencer would force people to sing me a stupid song and wear a stupid hat for being clean of drugs for 6-months...

“I’m trusting you on this,” I smiled at him as we walked towards his car, “no one’s gonna sing like a song or anything?” I looked over at him as I slid into his car. He looked down at me with furrowed eyebrows, confusion on his face. Then it hit me that he had no idea what I was talking about. 

“No…. No one’s going to sing to you,” he looked at me, his tone heavily confused. 

“Nothing to worry about then,” I smiled as he pushed the door shut. I quickly buckled in and waited for Spencer to get into the driver’s side. I looked over at him with a smile as he got in. “I was just thinking… On the rare occasion when mom wasn’t awful, she’d take me out to eat, and a lot of the times it was my birthday… You remember that? And then they embarrass the fuck out of you,” I sighed as I looked at him. 

“No… That never happened to me,” he glanced at me as he started his car.

“That’s a shame, we should change that,” I smiled evilly at him as he started to drive. 

“I hate that you’re looking at me like that,” he looked at the road as he drove to our destination, “Do I even want to know?”

“No, but you’ll find out someday,” I smiled at him.

{***}{***}{***}

Spencer and I were very quiet as entered his apartment. I think that goes to show just how exhausted we both were. Considering he had brought me to his friend’s house, where the rest of his team was, to celebrate. It’s not that the people were exhausting, it’s just that we were out late, and I’m very emotional.

Which was the reason why I found myself crawling into bed in just a shirt and underwear. I could hear Spencer’s laughter as I got comfortable, but struggled with the blanket.

“I’m so tired,” I sighed as I pulled the blanket over my body. The bed shifted as Spencer climbed in beside me. “Like, all the tireds… Sleepy, mentally, emotionally, psychically,” I looked at him as I pressed my head into the pillow.

“Rossi does know how to have a dinner party. Six months is a pretty big thing to celebrate.” Spencer hummed as he moved closer to me. I looked up at him and smiled. 

“You didn’t have to plan a party for me. I would have been okay staying here,” I whispered as I got comfortable in his form. My back was pressed right to Spencer’s chest, just like many nights before. His arm was wrapped around my middle to hold me as close as possible to him. My legs were tangled up with his. I let out a deep breath of air before smiling to myself.

“I’m proud of you, you know that?” Spencer whispered, his nose brushing over the shell of my ear. I rolled my shoulders and hummed happily. 

“Now it’s your turn,” I mumbled as I shifted slightly. I knew he was still struggling. It’s not easy… And Dilaudid seems like a kick to the ass drug. He’s trying though. He’s trying his hardest. I just wish there was a way I could help him. I knew he had been struggling more often recently. I would be too if my mentor left unexpectedly. It wasn’t fair to him, or the rest of his team. He gets to have a bit of a struggle, he shouldn’t have to though. The man who replaced Gideon though, David Rossi, is a nice guy. But I know Gideon was like his father figure to him. 

Spencer let out a breath of air through his nose. His air tickling my skin and moving my hair. “I couldn’t have done it without you, ya’ know?” I mumbled, nuzzling my head into the pillow more. It was Spencer’s turn to hum. “And, I’m more than willing to be by your side,” I whispered, hoping he didn’t hear me. But, he did, because he just hugged me harder. I know it’s only 6 months and not the rest of my life. But, without Spencer, I don’t think I could have gotten to the 6-month point. And, to be honest, I might be dead. 

“That’d mean the world to me,” he whispered softly. I turned around so I was facing him. He looked down at me with a small smile. “I’m doing better, you know,” he spoke softly. I looked at him and nodded. “It’s just hard… With Gideon leaving… It just feels like everyone’s leaving,” he sniffled softly. 

“I’m not leaving… And, by the looks of it all, you have an entire family that isn’t leaving you, Spencer,” I kept my eyes on him, watching as he looked down at me. He stayed quiet, mulling over the words I had just said.

In fact, that left us in a comfortable silence. My eyes stayed glued to him, whereas his were closed. I knew he wasn’t asleep though. Spencer never sleeps. I knew our day wasn’t over yet. We always talked more before either of us fell asleep.

But... something scared me. The way he held onto me. He held me like I would go missing in the morning when he did eventually wake up. His grip around my waist and torso was tight, like I was a stuffed animal and he was the owner. Part of me wondered if he feared I was a drug-induced hallucination and would vanish in thin air. I wish there were a way I could tell him, to convince him that I wouldn’t ever disappear like that. 

His nose twitched as he rubbed his face into the pillow under his head. He slowly opened his eyes and looked back at me, the exhaustion of the day sitting in his eyes and expression. I understood that feeling. But, if he was anything like me, and he is a lot like me, I knew that even though he was exhausted, sleep wouldn’t find us in a while. “Go to sleep,” he whispered, closing his eyes as he pretended to sleep. I laughed lightly, causing him to glare at me. 

“I’m not tired, and I know you’re not either. You’re faking it,” I muttered as I shifted even closer to him. I still kept my head tilted up so I could look at him. “You know I’m right,” I whispered, a smile suddenly appearing on my lips. 

“I’m not arguing your statement, am I?” Spencer replied, a smile growing on his lips. I almost kissed him. At that moment, it felt right. Our sudden sarcastic banter just made me want to kiss him. 

“No, no you’re not,” I laughed lightly as I looked at him. Spencer kept his eyes on me, hugging me harder as he tried to bring me closer to him. But at this point if I was any closer to him, I’d probably be in him. “Can I ask you a question,” I whispered so softly. If it was daylight or any other time of day, with any sound, I wouldn’t be heard. Spencer laughed before reopening his eyes.

“You just did,” he retorted as he looked at me. I rolled my eyes as I readjusted, moving so I was more face to face with him instead of face to chest. 

“I meant a real question, Agent Reid,” I stuck my tongue out at him. The smile that grew on his lips made me feel warm, and I couldn’t help but laugh. 

“You can always ask me a question, and you don’t even have to ask,” Spencer replied, his smile becoming more genuine than before. I could feel my heart beating as I looked at him. My body felt like it was flooding with a feeling that I’ve never felt towards another person… I just couldn’t put a name to it yet. 

“Can I kiss you,” I whispered. It just happened. The words fell from my mouth, like I had no control over my mouth and the words I was saying. And now that the words hung in the air, I was left just staring at Spencer, and my heart in my throat. 

The expression on his face told me he was thinking about it. But the long silence was beginning to make me feel nervous. What if I ruined it all? What if I just ruined my friendship with Spencer all because I wanted to kiss him? It’s just my luck though, I get something so beautiful and so precious, I ruin it, or it gets ruined. But in this case… It was my own fault and doing. 

The next thing I knew, Spencer’s hands were cupping my cheeks, and his lips were against mine. It felt like the wind was knocked out of me with the sudden action. I was a little caught off guard. I guess his prolonged silence just convinced me nothing was going to happen. But I was definitely happy that it did, indeed, happen. And, I definitely enjoyed it. 

His lips were soft, yet somehow slightly chapped. I could feel the moisture on his lips from when he licked them moments ago, and I could taste the tiny bit of wine he had just an hour ago. The warmth of his body made me feel safe as I gravitated closer into his body. My heart pounded in my chest, and I wondered if he could feel it against his. My hands gravitated towards his head, my fingers getting tangled in his hair. 

Spencer hummed as I gently tugged on the hair on the back of his neck. The breath from his nose tickled around my lips and nose. Every movement he made, my body was quick to follow. I just couldn’t get enough of him, and he knew that. 

He was gentle as he moved so he was over me. His arms were wrapped around my torso, holding me close to his body. I knew I wanted to further what was happening, and part of me could sense Spencer did too. I pulled my head away, pressing it into the pillow a little bit so I could look up at him. He returned the look, but a certain fire was in his eyes. 

“Can we,” I stopped myself from talking, worried that I was even more out of line for asking if we could have sex. At least I’m asking. “We don-” I continued, but failed when Spencer pressed his lips to mine. 

“Yeah… Yeah we can,” he muttered before going to take off his shirt. 

{***}{***}{***}

It was honestly better than any type of high I’ve had before. Definitely better than marijuana, or oxycodone, or Dilaudid. I wonder if Spencer thought the same about that. This was probably safer too. You can’t overdose on sex, can you? Damn, I guess if that’s how I go… That’s how I go.

“Hey,” Spencer looked down at me with a small smile. I swallowed roughly before returning the smile to him. He brushed my hair away from my face before holding both my cheeks in his hands.

“Hey,” I returned the smile with a small giggle. Spencer laughed before kissing me again. It was tender and passionate with this kiss, and I wanted to melt into him. His hands were still on my cheeks, holding my face.

“Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you or anything? Did I?” He asked, his tone heavily laced with worry. He moved his nose so it brushed against mine, smushing it to my face. I laughed and shook my head. 

“No, no, Spencer. You didn’t hurt me,” I laughed as I pressed my hands to his chest. “I don’t think you could hurt me… No matter what you do,” I quietly whispered. Spencer looked down at me and smiled.

“I promise I won’t ever hurt you,” he returned in a whisper, "and I won't ever leave you." 

“In all seriousness, though, I didn’t know I had a sex drive like that…” I laughed, watching as Spencer sat up and away from me. “I mean, after all the oxy I’ve taken…” I shrugged, sitting up and wrapping a blanket around my body. Spencer looked over at me with a raised eyebrow as he stood up. 

“Considering it’s been six months, you don’t have it in your system anymore,” he looked at me for a moment before grabbing his boxers and an undershirt. “I’m getting you water, do you want anything else?” He walked around the bed and came to stand beside me. I looked up at him and pushed out my lips, silently asking for a kiss. Spencer smiled before pecking my lips quickly. 

“I’m okay with water,” I watched as he walked away. He nodded before leaving me alone in his room (Again, I would go as far as to say our room. But I don’t exactly live with him… full time). 

When I finished cleaning myself up in his bathroom, I grabbed one of his shirts and a pair of boxers, and I sat on the center of the bed, waiting for him to return. 

I realized something while I was waiting for him to come back to bed. And it’s something I don’t think I could ever tell him. Because, if I tell him this, I’d probably lose him. I don’t think I could handle losing Spencer.

I loved him. I loved Spencer Reid and that was probably going to be the thing that killed me.


	7. part seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team confronts Spencer about how close he and reader are getting and are worried about their health and safety. Spencer receives a worrying phone call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warnings: mentions of dating why recovering an addiction, mentions of drug use (Dialiludid and Oxycodone), attending narcotics anonymous, struggling with sobriety, withdrawal and symptoms of withdrawal, mentions and allusions of sex, Swearing, mildly ooc spencer, spencer’s pov,

I looked down at the person sleeping beside me. Their small body was curled into my side and one of their arms was languidly thrown across my body as if I was a stuffed animal. Part of me wondered if they were scared I'd disappear. I wish I could tell them that they didn't have to fear, I wasn't going anywhere unless they wanted me to. Well, other than work, I won’t be leaving them.

I tried to not let my thoughts be just about them, and my worries and fears. But it was hard. They were the first good thing to happen to me in a long time.

I’m sure their thoughts were consumed by me too. In fact, I know their thoughts were filled with me. They’re an addict. They have an addictive personality, and I’m their new addiction. They probably don’t even realize it either. Of course, why would they? They probably don’t even realize it. They live in their own little bubble, with their own rules, and I’m just a part of it. I was glad I was a part of it too. Because, I’m also an addict, and they’re my new addiction.

"Hey," their soft voice pulled me from my thoughts. I looked down at them with a smile. "What're you thinking about? You got that look in your eye," they smiled as they tried pulling the blanket over their body, and tried to hide into my side. 

"Nothing special," I retorted, feeling a warmth spread through my body as they continued to cling to me. "Why? What are you thinking about?" I asked, resting my hand on their back. They rolled so my hand was on their stomach. 

"You," they beamed, sticking their head out from under the blanket. A bright smile grew on her lips as they looked at me. Their hair was a mess and covered their eyes just right. The light from the lamp on the nightstand lit them up just right, showing each imperfection on their face. A blueish-purpleish spot on their neck caught my attention, and I couldn’t help but smile when I saw it.  
"Good things I hope," I watched as they sat up, the blanket pooling around their waist. I tried not to stare at their bare body, but they made it hard as they stretched their arms in the air before turning to look at me. They leaned closer to me, a sly smile growing on their lips.

“Only the best thoughts of you fill my head,” they whispered before not so gracefully pressing their lips to mine. I laughed as I rested my hands on their shoulders to try and steady their body.   
“That’s good, I think,” I raised an eyebrow as I looked back at them. They smiled before slipping out of the bed and grabbing the shirt I wore from the day before.   
“I’m going to the bathroom… Don’t go anywhere,” they looked at me before leaning across the bed. I looked up at them with a smile before kissing them softly. “Promise,” their whisper was soft and innocent, as if they were asking their parents a promise not to break.

“It is my apartment,” I furrowed my eyebrows as I watched them walk away. They looked over their shoulder and right at me before slipping into the bathroom. I pressed my head into the headboard behind me as I waited for them to finish up. It’d be a matter of moments before they returned and I’d have to tell them I’d have to leave for work. I knew they wouldn’t have anything better to do today, other than hanging out at my apartment. Which, I was fine with. They could stay here for as long as they wanted.

“So,” their voice came from the bathroom, causing me to look towards them. They were walking out of the bathroom, looking down at the ground as they walked. I wondered what was going through their head, and I wondered what it was like to be in their mind on a good day. “What are the plans today,” they finally looked up at me with a smile. Their smile was quick to vanish when they saw the pout on my lips. 

“I have to go in today,” I wrapped my arms around their body as they sat beside me. They looked up at me with sadness in their eyes. “Will you be alright without me today?” I asked as I lifted a hand to hold their head against my arm.

“Can I stay here?” they looked up at me through their eyelashes and a pout on their lips. I looked back at them and nodded. “I have some errands to do anyways… But, can I stay when I’m done?”   
“Of course you can, I have no issue with that,” I whispered and nodded. They looked at me and smiled before pressing their lips to both my cheeks. They were quick as they moved to straddle my legs and wrap their arms around my neck.

“Thank you, Spencer,” they spoke in a soft whisper. I returned the smile and rested my hands on their hips. “I wish you didn’t have to work today. Wish we could stay here… together,” they whispered as they played with the hair on the back of my neck.

“Oh, I’ll be home before you even know it,” I looked up at them with a small smile on my lips. Their pout slowly turned into a smile as they looked at me. There was a certain joy and excitement in their eyes as they looked at me. And, I wondered what it was that they saw in me. I was in no way, shape, or form perfect. I don’t want to make it seem like they are, because they aren’t. But, some parts of them are. Maybe in another timeline, they were absolutely perfect, and nothing bad was happening to either of us. 

“You look like you’re thinking too hard, Spencer,” they laughed at me. I looked at them and shook my head. 

“I was just thinking that I should get ready for work. I want to get coffee on the way and I don’t want to be late,” I lifted a finger and poked their nose. Their nose wrinkled as I withdrew my finger from their face. A sneaky smile grew across their lips before they stuck their tongue out at me. 

“I can’t believe you’d rather leave early and get coffee than hang out with me a little bit longer,” they placed a hand over their heart, feigning pain and heartbreak. I couldn’t help but laugh again. “Hurt, really, truly hurt by your laughter, Spencer,” they sighed, dropping their shoulders and tilting their head to the side. 

“Maybe next time, if you wake up early enough, you can come with me to get coffee,” my hands ran up and down their arms as I looked up at them. They sighed before falling into my body, becoming a heavy lump as the seconds passed. “But, I seriously have to get ready,” I groaned as their weight stilled on me.

“But, what if you didn’t have to get ready and go in,” they spoke into my chest. I sighed, resting my hands on their back.

“C’mon, I can’t be late,” I tried to get them off me. And with a deep sigh and cry, they climbed off my body. “We can blame Hotch,” I laughed as I stood up. 

“Stupid boss. Making you go to work,” they grumbled as they grabbed their jeans. I watched as they tried to reach for one of my cardigans. Part of me almost told them not to take it, but I knew they’d put up a fight and win it anyways. So, I let them.

“Just this once, I do like wearing my sweaters at work,” I watched as they slipped the sweater onto their arms. They looked at me and smiled, hugging their arms around their body.   
“I’ll bring them back, promise,” they replied, watching as I got dressed  
.  
“Part of me doesn’t believe you,” I looked over at them as I began to tie my tie. They stepped up to me and smoothed out my tie as I tried to reach for a different cardigan.  
“That’s fair, but… Think about it, Spencer, this is the first sweater I’m stealing from you,” they smiled as they began to button the cardigan I was wearing.

“I am thinking… And… Still waiting for the jacket I gave you the first night we met,” I furrowed my eyebrows as I looked at them. Their smile faltered slightly as their fingers continued to button my sweater. It was obvious they were trying to keep their eyes off me, looking at my sweater instead of looking at my face. 

“Well, you see, I…” they closed one of her eyes as they tried to come up with a lie. I lifted my hand and brought it up to rest under their chin. “Okay, okay, I still have it… I just… don’t want to give it back,” their words trailed off as they spoke. I smiled and pulled my hand away from their face. “But, if you really want it back… I can return it,” they sighed as they looked up at me. I looked down at them and cocked my head to the side.

“I’ll think about it. Now, I definitely don’t have time for coffee,” I smiled before pecking their lips. They smiled before allowing me to go put pants on. 

“That was my plan the whole time,” they smiled before leaving the bedroom, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

They were in my kitchen, and they were probably acting like it was our kitchen, like it was our home. I was honestly okay with that too… Hell, they even slept in the same bed as me (and done a little more than just sleep in said bed some nights). They basically lived with me at this point in time, without them having their belongings here. The thought of asking them to move in with me had passed my mind. But, a part of me wasn’t sure that was a good idea. Although, I’d love it if they lived with me. We’re each other’s distractions. Accountability Buddies, as they would put it. 

Maybe I should just ask them? The worst they would say is no? But, I know them enough to know they wouldn’t say no.

Just as I finished putting my shoes on, the sounds of clatter came from somewhere out of the room. I could only assume they were in the kitchen, making what I could only hope was coffee. Knowing them, they probably felt bad about delaying my leaving. I don’t blame them. I felt bad for leaving them. But, they didn’t have to go out of their way to make me coffee...

“You still like a lot of sugar and cream, right!?” Their voice carried from the kitchen to my room as they shouted. I raised an eyebrow as a loud crash, followed by a list of profanities, came from the kitchen. “Everything is okay!” They shouted. I furrowed my eyebrows as I finished tying my shoes. When I stood up, I looked at my reflection, making sure I looked acceptable for the workday, and once I was pleased with how I looked, I made way for the sudden disaster in the kitchen. I’d be lying if I said I was looking forward to seeing what mess they had made.

“Made you coffee,” they smiled at me as they held up a plain white porcelain mug. I smiled before taking it from them and bringing it to my lips.

“You’re the best person in the world,” I looked at them as I took a sip. Part of me almost included ‘In fact, you’re my favorite person in the world,’. But, I figured that was for a different time. They smiled before stepping in front of a pile on the ground. My eyes looked between the shattered mug, and their ‘I’m not guilty’ expression. 

“I’ll clean it up,” they muttered once they realized I saw the shards of a broken mug, “Have a good day,” they bounced up to me before pressing their lips to mine. They hummed as they wrapped their arms around me to hold me close.

“You too,” I whispered before pecking their lips one last time. They looked up at me as I succeeded sliping free from their grip and to leave. I looked down at my watch. At the rate I was moving, I’d be only a few minutes late. Hopefully no one at the office will be mad that I’m late. They shouldn’t care too much, right? There have been times Derek was late, or Emily… It shouldn’t be too much of a problem… I hope.

When I finally did arrive at the office, I dropped my empty mug off at mydesk, before finding my way to the conference room. And, just as I had thought, everyone was already there, and the briefing had already started. 

I tried to not feel embarrassed that everyone stared at me as I took a seat beside Jennifer and Emily. But it was hard when their stares felt judgemental. They hadn’t treated me any different since I told them about my problems and addiction. In fact, they 100% supported me. I just think they were happy that I was getting help instead of suffering in silence. I didn’t have it in me to tell them that I suffered for the better part of a year after Tobias Henkle, I just got scared. 

“Sorry I’m late,” I muttered as I sat. Aaron looked over at me with a mildly worried look in his eye. “We slept in a little and then I started running late.” I made up, even though it wasn’t a total lie. 

“Says the mark on your neck,” Emily looked down at the table, her eyes scanning the file she had. I glanced over at her, feeling a flame grow over my neck. I found myself looking down, my hands instantly went to my neck to cover the marks that were put there last night by a certain someone. 

“Oh! My man! You getting some?” Derek looked over at me with a smirk. I looked up at him with wide eyes, my hands slipping away from my neck. 

“Shut up,” I muttered before looking back down at the table. I sighed deeply before flipping the case file. “Frankly, it’s none of your business,” I glanced at him for a moment before looking back down at the file. 

“Spence,” Jennifer looked at me, her voice soft. I had to hold back from snapping, because I almost did. Just because she’s my best friend, doesn’t exactly mean she, or anyone for that fact, gets to ask about my sex life or what happens at home. 

“I don’t know what you guys want me to say,” I shrugged as I looked at everyone, “I’m obviously not going to lie, but, I don’t want to tell you that. That’s private,” I wrinkled my nose as I spoke. The room fell silent for a moment before Jennifer spoke.

“You’ve been spending a lot of time with-”

“I don’t know what you're talking about, Jennifer,” I looked at her with a mild annoyance on my face.

“You’ve gotten pretty close to them, that’s all,” Jennifer looked over at me. I lowered the file I was reading and looked over at her with a raised eyebrow. Derek was the next person to look at me.

“So what? We just hang out with each other. We’re each other’s accountability partners. That’s it,” I stated, feeling the lie burn up my throat and through my teeth. I could sense that they knew it was a lie too. So, no one said anything for a moment. Until Emily did.

“Spencer, you know this. People who are recovering from an addiction shouldn’t be in a relationship. It can be dangerous for both people in the party,” Emily looked over at me. I looked back at her, trying not to attack her as I’ve done in the recent past. But, she keeps talking to me like she knows me. She doesn’t know me. Not like the other members of the team. Not like the person at home knows me. 

“I never said anything about a relationship with them… With anyone actually,” I spoke sternly. 

“They… they make me feel better,” I whispered, my words trailing off before looking away from everyone. I could feel their stares and silent judgments drilling into my body. No matter what I would say to them, they’d have a comeback. “We’re just friends,” it was a lie. Everyone knew that it was a lie too. I’m not sure what we were, but we weren’t just friends. I didn’t want to risk losing them though. I didn’t want to tell the team that they'd further judge me. 

“I think that’s a conversation for another day,” Jennifer looked at me, almost like she was reading my mind. I looked back at her, feeling my heart slow to a near stop. I hoped she’d forget about having a conversation about this. But, it’ll probably be on her mind for the rest of forever.

However, I was grateful the pain-staking conversation came to an end when my phone began ringing. I was quick to pull it out of my pocket, only to see that it was my home phone calling me. I furrowed my eyebrows for a moment before realizing who it was calling me.

“Excuse me, I have to take this,” I looked back up at each individual person before stepping out of the room. 

“This is Doctor Spencer Reid,” my voice was low as I spoke. I didn’t want anyone around to listen in on my conversation, though it’d be one-sided for that person.

“Hey,” their voice was just as low as mine, and I could tell something was wrong, “Hey, I... I, uh… I know you don’t like it when I call… When you’re on, uh… You’re at the office. But I think… I think someone was followin- Spencer, I think someone’s trying to break in,” their voice was shaky and that confirmed there was something wrong. 

“Spencer, what… What do I do?” 

“Don’t… Listen, don’t worry, I’ll be back soon. Okay?” I tried to not let a shakiness grow in my voice. But it was clear something was wrong. I swallowed roughly before shaking my head. 

“Spen-Please.. Please hur-” and then the line went silent. I furrowed my eyebrows before pulling my phone from my ear, looking at the screen that once had an on-going call.   
I quietly whispered their name after I pressed my phone to my ear. When it was quiet, I took a deep shaky breath before turning to re-enter the conference room.

“That was… Someone… Someone broke into my apartment… While…” my words trailed off as I looked at the people around the table. Everyone looked at me as they realized what I was saying, without actually saying it. “I don’t know if they’re okay… Please… Help me,”


End file.
